APRIL & NATIONAL POETRY WRITING MONTH by Penny Dolan

Today, April 1st, is the start of National Poetry Writing Month, which celebrates its twenty-fifth birthday this year. Hooray and well done!

Personally, I rather wish that the acronyms – NaPoWriMo or GloPoWriMo in the worldwide version, or even that Na/GloPoWriMo version - sounded more poetical. They remind me, spoken aloud, of a vocal exercise, good for ten repetitions as a warm up before giving a poetry performance. But that’s acronyms for you.


This year I feel a little bad, not about the daily writing prompt but because I have two boxes of poetry books in the hall, both on their way out of the door. They will be going to a nearby Oxfam shop or similar: one box is full of children’s poetry, while the other holds ‘grown-up’ poems. But now, both are sitting in the hall sulking, reminding me of that statistic that shows more people write poetry than read it, and silently asking me why I am getting rid of them now, eh? But I have read them, I have used them and now they need to go.


Several were really useful when I was part of a monthly Poetry Reading group, which had some great sessions. We met with the simple aim of reading other people’s poems, never our own. This meant that the group could also include friends and partners who simply enjoyed poetry. We began with a list of named poets, set one per month and used the four weeks to find out more about their life and work, both through books or online. Then we met, bringing our thoughts and favourite poems to share at the next meeting. Occasionally, we chose poems around a theme instead, bringing four or five poems to read aloud and share. I must say that hearing the lines that you’d read and knew inside your head suddenly voiced and out there in that shared room could be magical. Ah well, that was then - and the small group is now a memory: a social casualty of the Covid era. Moments of the past, as the boxes of books will soon be.


I still have a lot of poetry books and anthologies here: mostly old favourite poems and poets where the language or spirit spoke to me, or to the person I was at that time, and still does. Rather like favourite song lyrics, I suppose. Can't let go.

   

But as for today, the first of April, and that daily poetry challenge? Will it be a good idea for me or not? As soon as I have a ‘Hmm, this is me sort of writing a poem’ thought in my mind, the old poetry worries start muttering.

Some anxieties spring from the host of poetic forms and rhythms and structures out there. Can one work on a poem ‘seriously’ without all that in your skill-set? Hopefully, if you are familiar with poetry at some level, the patterns and shapes reveal themselves as you think and voice the seed of the poem over and over in your head. Or so I hope and trust.

At a practical level, the daily NaPoWriMo email, once you have signed up for it, can be a useful source of inspiration and information. Each day brings a new writing prompt, which often links to a suggested structure, so gradually the month becomes a reminder of the variety of poetic forms, both traditional and contemporary. 

Of course, the email can simply be dipped into for any interesting knowledge, letting the writer carry on with their own ideas for the day. With no obligation, no posting poems online and no need to become ‘part of the community’, unless that is what is wanted. The writer can choose.

However, there’s another anxiety that comes with poetry for me: a fear of exposure, of being too seen. Fiction is wonderful for giving the writer a disguise, a way of hide themselves behind the clothes and the characters and story. Poetry often feels closer to the maker, gives more obvious evidence of their moods and thoughts, and there's the uncertainty. What will happen if my work reveal ‘louder’ voices than I use in my everyday person? Will the bare-faced writing reveal moods and thoughts I’d rather keep secret? Bring on an unfamiliarly confident tone? Will I even know who I am a month of focused poetry-making? Thank heaven one’s work can be kept private. 

For now, the focus is on Day One . . .


Hope you have a good April and happy celebrations, with or without poetry.

Penny Dolan


ps. I felt I should end with something to honour the day, so here are some thoughts on a particularly annoying poetic form. Are you ready? Here goes . . .


Ain’t gonna do one
Can‘t make me write one
Really, who needs one
Over-worked trick?
Show me no poet ways,
Throw me no poet praise,
I ain’t gonna go for it, ain’t gonna stick, ain’t gonna do that A-
Crostic.

Creative Writing - Sue Purkiss

 As you may know from previous posts of mine, I teach creative writing, and have been doing for twelve years plus. I don't teach in a university, but in the community; our group meets weekly, and we've published several collections of our work, mostly via KDP.

I really got started with my own writing - many years ago - on first of all an Arvon course, and then on a part-time course with the continuing education department of Bristol University.And the trigger that really worked for me was just being given a prompt, then being told to get on with it, for twenty minutes, or for the next session, whatever it might be. Having havered about for years trying to get going by myself, I was astonished at how easily the words now began to flow.

I've used pretty much the same method in the class I teach. I set a task, and they - we - write. Sometimes I will address a specific issue, but basically, that's the process, and it seems to work.

So I was interested to see this article by Tim Pears, published on The Royal Literary Fund Collected website, in which he explores the practice of teaching creative writing. See what you think - it's here.

By the way - during Covid, the class moved online, and I set up a blog to post each weekly task. I've recently taken to doing this again - it is predominantly aimed at my class, but the tasks are listed quite clearly, I think. Feel free to browse and use! Let's Write is here.

Talking dialogue by Tracy Darnton

 

 

I’m talking about dialogue in my teaching this week so thought I’d share my thoughts and tips. 

 

We all know good dialogue can add energy and pace, further the plot and provide characterisation. It can bring instant drama, volume and variety to your work. Sometimes all of that at once. I like the white space it provides on the page as a break from full prose.

 

Bad dialogue can make us all too aware of the author behind the writing, or can be a clumsy info dump, or tell us exactly what everyone is really thinking. “Oh no,” moaned Arthur.

 

So, what should we be thinking about when writing dialogue?

“It’s all about the subtext,” shouted Anya.

 First off, however tempting, don’t think dialogue is a cunning way to ram in all that back story:

 

“Hello Matt. I hear you were kicked out by your hated step-dad Steve for splitting up your identical twin Felix and your secret crush Millie.”

 

Instead, the words you omit, the sentence which trails away, silences and pauses are much more interesting and engaging. Readers like to join the dots themselves.

 

“But I recorded an actual conversation,” insisted Bertha.

Remember, dialogue is not a transcript. If it was, it’d be extremely dry, and constantly going off at a tangent. You’re aiming for an authentic feel, not word for word actual conversations. It’s a storytelling construct. So:

·       Use fragments, let characters cut across each other so it feels real.

·       Cut those fillers – um,er,so.

·       Cut the niceties of getting into and out of conversations. “Good morning.” “Goodbye.” You will rarely need them.

·       Monologues are unusual in the real world. If a character in a conversation says three sentences, that’s possibly the time to switch to another speaker. 

·       Beware of slang which dates quickly and can be toe-curlingly cringey before you know it. “Wassup, groovers?” See, cringey.

·       Watch out for overusing names as “Hello, Peter” “Hello, Paul” can sound unnaturally stilted.

 

 “Don’t just stand there!” she yelled.

The dialogue isn’t hanging in space – the setting is integral to making it work. What are your characters doing while speaking? Thread that through the conversation. Break up sentences to put attributions in different places.

Having an action also reduces the need for a tag to attribute the dialogue.

“What the hell are you doing?” Ned staggered back against the door.

“And who are you anyway?” she asked.

Remember I said at the outset that good dialogue provides characterisation. Can you take lines of dialogue and know which character is speaking? This does not mean everyone needs a verbal tic or a strong accent, but we all have our own syntax and vocabulary.

 Avoid the bad dialogue trap of authorial voice over your character, tempting as it is. Are you reflecting your own speech or opinions, rather than your character’s?

“I think the cook is as incompetent as (Sir!!!) Gavin Williamson,” said Prince Smartypants from his highchair.

 

“Flipping heck!” spat Kat.

The level and frequency of swear words always needs thinking about and can dramatically affect tone and impact in the book. If you’re not sure, review on editing when you can see the whole effect.

 

“Tags,” she hissed, “I love them.”

I’m a big fan of mostly ‘said’ as a tag so the eye can skip over it. Though there was an exchange on Twitter this week which insisted ‘said is dead’. So up to you all, but I’ll go with the occasional ‘asked’, the odd ‘whispered’ and ‘muttered’ but never ever, ever ‘smiled’, ‘grinned’, ‘yawned’.

I know my middle grade friends need to add more tags like ‘moaned’ and ‘yelled’ and use more adverbs than the YA gang, but keep me happy and use sparingly to let the dialogue do the work. “I beg you,” she pleaded heartily. 

 

“And finally…”, she murmured.

My final tip is to read your dialogue out loud. Better still, get someone else to do so. You’ll pick up the clunky and definitely the cringeworthy.

 Happy talking.

 

Tracy Darnton writes YA thrillers. Her next book, Ready or Not, is out in May. She’s an Associate Lecturer on the MA Writing for Young People at Bath Spa. She talks a lot.

Steering the bones? Checking out two writing handbooks by Tracy Darnton

I've finally looked at a couple of my unopened writing books.  

Steering the Craft - A 21st-century guide to sailing the sea of story by Ursula K. Le Guin. 

And Writing Down the Bones - Freeing the writer within by Natalie Goldberg which is now in its 30th anniversary edition. This a recommended reading book on an MA course I'm teaching so I thought the time had definitely come. 

Let's start with Writing Down the Bones and some full disclosure from me - I'm the uptight, stressy, guilt-ridden kind of writer who's always hoping for a routine and never finding one. I don't relax. I have an annual guided meditation creative session with the Sassies at Folly Farm and I find it difficult and uncomfortable and this year I didn't do it at all. I am not very hippy/Zen. I am the opposite of that. I am not the natural audience for this book.

However, I did like the suggestions she made of topics for writing practice to spruce up my own list of prompts - and there are one or two I will definitely use. The 'Fighting Tofu' (!) chapter could have been written for me talking about ways to break the cycle of guilt, avoidance and pressure. I was very interested in her chapter urging women writers to make more statements in their writing rather than use culturally-embedded qualifiers and modifiers. I'm on the lookout for that in my writing - perhaps, somehow, maybe. Aren't I, isn't it? 

Whilst I felt like I was on the outside, looking in, not quite getting it, as I worked through Writing Down The Bones, I positively looked forward to reading a chunk of Steering the Craft each day and doing the writing exercises. I must be team Ursula Le Guin.  I can tell from all the Post-it notes I've left in there, that this book really worked for me. I've marked up sections on the peer-group workshop about the importance of listening to critique comments in silence to share with my students as I couldn't possibly put it any better. 

I liked the exercises which interrogated my choice of language, the use of repetition, word and sentence length. I too easily get caught up in my characters and plot and foreshadowing and endings and I enjoyed how Steering the Craft made me slow down and look at the words on the page for once. For copyright reasons, the examples given are more likely to be from Dickens and Charlotte Bronte than any recent work, but I enjoyed reading the excerpts. The exercises were enjoyable and useful - I will use them again. Most of all, I liked the warm authorial tone of the book. I liked the cover, the slim volume, the layout. I'm gushing. Reader, I liked this book.

Let me know if there are any others you think I should try out...

(And I must thank Chitra Soundar for suggesting I read Steering the Craft. She obviously knew me well!)

Tracy Darnton is the author of YA thrillers The Rules and The Truth About Lies. Her next thriller, Ready or Not, is out in May. She is an Associate Lecturer in creative writing at Bath Spa Uni. 

Be bold, Erik by Alex Cotter

“Be bold, Erik” are words from my next book, spoken by a boy – that’ll be Erik – in order to prompt himself to act out of character. A small, seemingly insignificant quote, and yet lately these words have become something of a mantra to me while I write. My Erik’s fictional fight for self-belief is gently goading me into taking more risks in the playground of story-making.

Weird is wonderful

Despite banging on at my own children to question everything and embrace their weird as wonderful (cue eye-roll sigh and “Yes, we know, be yourself” before I even open my mouth), I’m aware that in the past I’ve often trundled down the well-trodden path when it comes to self-expression. I had a cautious childhood, peppered with parental worrying and warnings and worst-case scenarios. I tried too hard to mask my stranger-things, to please and pretend so that I could get by at school, at work, without too much trouble; in effect, without being found out as odd. 

Thing is, masking means developing some robust filters to disguise said strangeness. To create a landing platform in my brain where I pause to check the social rulebook so as to metaphorically not leave the house in my slippers. And it’s these filters that have been worrying me lately as I write – that I believe require an injection of young Erik’s uncharacteristic boldness.

The risk-averse brain

So, our brains are built to keep us from danger, and because we ‘survive’ by being part of a social group, our minds keenly develop these filters so we don’t expose, endanger, or God forbid, embarrass ourselves, and be cast out from society. But what else might these filters prevent? Dancing like no one’s looking when they are? Tone-deaf singing at the top deck of the No. 22? . . . Writing fearlessly?

While I no longer need or desire a strong filter in my social life (I'm available for all your No. 22 top deck entertainment), I’ve been wondering lately if these decades-old filters are subconsciously infiltrating and influencing my writing. Holding me back. 

Originally created to keep me safe from bullies, alienation and ostracism, are they now trying to sneakily urge me down more predictable story paths, prompt me to tread tired tropes, make me consider overused clichés?

How best to be bold, Erik?

To develop as writers, we should take risks. The two main characters in my next book make a difficult journey to embrace personal change and find power in what makes them different. So – “Be bold, Erik” – I’m determined to strive to do the same. To break down any remaining boundaries my brain has built to keep me socially safe; to push and prod myself to write more bravely.

If you too fancy being a bit more Erik, here are a few tips I’ve found can help shake things up in my brain:

1. Question your choices. Did I select that development, scene, action because I’ve been influenced by others – or because it’s right for my story?
2. Play with extreme versions of the story arc or character development to see if it sparks anything new or alternative 
3. Edit with a special highlighter for lazy platitudes and clichés across story, scene and sentence
4. Brainstorm with a big piece of paper – the bigger the better – to try and think with vast ideas not constrained ones
5. Read extensively - all kinds of genres, recent and old - exploring different stories
6. Go for a walk with your characters and talk to them, questioning them on their choices (cue odd looks from passers-by; yup, I’m being bold, Erik)
7. Examine your text to check your own experiences and needs aren’t unduly influencing your characters
8. Ask others to read your drafts and hold up another mirror to examine your story choices
9. Finally, each chapter, I've started to utter, “Be bold, Erik” – just as a wee reminder

Writing often requires a dash of weirdness, a helping of frankly-odd, a soupçon of strange; so, I say: be gone filters for social acceptance and agreeability. I believe this year I’ll be touring the path less travelled (or at least trying to). “Be bold, Erik” - that's my motto for 2022. What’s yours? 

Alex Cotter’s middle-grade novel THE HOUSE ON THE EDGE came out in July 2021 with Nosy Crow. Find her at www.alexcotter.co.uk or on Twitter: @AlexFCotter

Dear Aunt Agatha by Steve Way

 

Happy New Year everyone! Here’s to 2022 being good for me and you!

I hope today’s blog will cheer you up – and perhaps challenge you! – as we deal with another Covid Christmas and beginning wading through January and February.

When I do writing workshops with children in schools, I sometimes use these ideas with Y4 to Y6 (9- to 11-year-olds.) I briefly explain about problem page articles in some magazines and papers and the role of agony aunts and uncles, mentioning of course that in using them people share their real concerns. I then mention that I’ve imagined an agony aunt called Aunt Agatha to whom very daft people write very daft letters and read some of the examples below. The initial task the children then have to perform is to write a few letters of their own. The goal is for every child to write at least one letter, though as you can imagine some children write several. The letters I give as examples are deliberately short as one intention is to encourage reluctant writers.

After the children have all written at least one letter I would then ask some, or ideally all, of the children to share one or two of their letters with the class. Then comes the second task – and this is where you could come in too! I ask the children to swap their letters with a partner (or if they prefer working in a group to pass them around in a circle) and after reading some examples get them now to take on the role of Aunt Agatha and answer the letters. The idea is for Aunt Agatha to suggest a solution to the problems she’s received. The solutions have to be as creative as the problems and in most cases dafter. I therefore challenge you to write a solution or two to some of the problems below! Though of course if you want to challenge the rest of us with some letters to Aunt Agatha as well that’s fine! Good luck!

The children tend to love the daft names the letters come from by the way. If they have a challenge thinking of a silly name themselves I encourage them to use the first name of one of their friends, which usually results in a giggle or two, and then think of anything they would find in their kitchen.

 

Dear Aunt Agatha, I keep imagining I’m a forest. I’m terrified of lumberjacks coming to chop bits of me down and float me down Canadian rivers. I know it’s crazy, especially because I live in a flat in the middle of Watford. What can I do?         Yours sincerely,                 Tim Applecrumble	Dear Aunt Agatha, Every eighth word I xmflspil is complete nonsense! As you can see wmcdez from this letter. Can you suggest a jtabumif to my problem? It’s so embarrassing, I pwzhmel to only talk in sentences seven words taznejeb. Yours sincerely,   Parminder Gardenhose
Dear Aunt Agatha,         HELP!         Yours,                 Amanda Brief	Dear Aunt Agatha, Please help me. I keep emptying bowls of custard all over policemen. I don’t know why. Since it’s such a stupid thing to do there isn’t actually a law against it. So instead of putting me in prison, the police keep making me clean their dirty helmets and uniforms. So I also need to know how to get custard stains out of hats.         Yours sincerely,                   Paul Cottagepie
Dear Aunt Agatha, I want to coat the whole world in chocolate. I’ve tried starting with my garden and house. As you can imagine I’ve had several problems. When it gets hot the chocolate melts away. When it rains it washes away. Also I’ve spent every penny I earn on chocolate. Some of my friends have told me I’m mad to do this. Am I crazy or are they?         Yours sincerely,                 Adil Tomatopaste	Dear Aunt Agatha, Please help me. I want to eat key-rings all day long! I’m now so full of metal rings I rattle when I roll over in bed. Also my stomach now picks up Radio 2. This keeps me up all night and on top of that it’s terrible!         Yours sincerely,                 Hans Kitchendrawer
Dear Aunt Agatha, Please help me! I’m sure my garden is full of alien cabbages. How do you tell the difference between an alien cabbage and a real one? I’m sure that if I eat an alien cabbage I’ll turn into a spoon.         Yours sincerely,                 Tracey Vanillayogurt	Dear Aunt Agatha, An incredible and frightening thing has just happened to me! Without any warning at all, my right ear crawled into my head, across my head and joined up to my left ear. Then my ears flew off as though they were a butterfly! Has this ever happened to one of your many readers before? What can I do to get my ears back?         Yours sincerely,                  Callum Longbow

 

 

Dear Aunt Agatha,

I think my fridge has fallen in love with me. Whenever other people go near it or open it, it just behaves, well operates, normally. But when I go anywhere near it all the lights inside and outside it start flashing madly.

If I should open the door to look and see what’s inside, somehow – even though I’m holding the door firmly - the door manages to close around my neck and the rubber seal takes on the form of several lips and kisses me. Meanwhile all the shelves rattle and the lid of the butter container opens and shuts frantically.

When I finally manage to prise myself away from my frenzied refrigerator, it switches off and doesn’t come on again for fifteen minutes.

This experience is so exasperating, exhausting and embarrassing, I now have to ask the rest of the family to get things out of the fridge for me.

Have you got any suggestions about how we can deal with this warm-hearted fridge?

        Yours sincerely,

                                Andrew Coathanger

 

Dear Aunt Agatha,

Please help me. I am an alien from the planet Sponge Ball IIa. I wish to make contact with the human race and my research has shown that you seem to be a spokesperson for most of humanity. So would you mind publishing my letter to you in your excellent periodical, which I believe is entitled “Hi Fab Tit-bits of Inane Gossip”. Your readers will then be able to know about my imminent arrival as the elected ambassador to Earth of my planet. Please let your readers know that they therefore need not be alarmed when a spaceship the shape of a gigantic handbag lands in the Atlantic Ocean. (Gigantic in this sense meaning larger than India.)

My race has evolved independently of the need of appliances. So one of my limbs looks like a frying pan, another a mobile phone, another a lap-top computer and another a toilet brush. I have a further thirty-eight limbs but I’ll let them be a surprise! I look forward to meeting as many of you as possible before long!

        Get ready for a big splash!

        Yours sincerely,

                Tarquin V.X.II/c/a Smith

 

 

What Don't You Know? by Claire Fayers

This is another writing/piano crossover post.

In my weekly piano lesson last week, I was trying to explain why I was having trouble with a particular piece when my teacher interrupted. 

"Usually, when you're stuck, it's because there's something you don't know," he said. "What don't you know here?"

Essentially, I didn't know which fingers had to go on which notes, but in a mini lightbulb-going-off moment, I realised this could apply to far more things than just music.

My plot has stuck? What don't I know? What do I need to find out in order to fix it?

Sometimes it's a problem with the characters. What don't I know about them, their histories, their likes and dislikes? Maybe I need to spend some time with a notebook, asking my characters questions. When I get stuck I often find it's my villain's motivation which is lacking. I have a habit of starting to write without having a clear idea of who the villain is or what they're doing (which is fine as long as I remember to work it out before I do the second draft.)

Sometimes it's the setting. For someone who writes mainly fantasy, I do surprisingly little world-building up front. I start with the starting location and fill in my mental map of the world as my characters travel. It avoids vast info-dumps early on, but it also means I can get stuck because I haven't properly worked things out. What don't I know about this particular location? What are the obstacles? What are the people like here? How does this location link to the wider world of the book? 

Sometimes it's a scene that causes me to stumble. I might have a great idea for a set piece - a tense conversation, a fight, an explosion or a dramatic encounter with a dragon - but I haven't thought through the implications. I write the scene and then I stop, wondering what should happen next. So, go back. What happened exactly? Who was involved and what were they trying to achieve? Was that scene part of some bigger plan that I need to work out?

Donald Rumsfeld famously said: 

"There are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns – the ones we don't know we don't know. And... it is the latter category that tend to be the difficult ones."

What don't I know?

Claire Fayers

www.clairefayers.com

When a Pantser Meets a Plan, by Claire Fayers

 It probably started in school. Having to waste time (as I saw it) constructing a story plan when I wanted to get on with writing the story. Then, once I was finally allowed to start writing, I'd always have a better idea for what could happen and I'd be marked down because my story didn't follow my plan.

A plan was an immutable, set-in-stone straitjacket that crushed the life out of stories turned the fun of creation into mind-smothering tedium. People who wrote plans were terrifying caricatures of orderliness. They probably folded all their socks neatly into pairs and had little dividers in their underwear drawers. I was above all that. I was a free-spirited creative who would never stoop to the mundane business of actually thinking about what I wanted to write. 

I got away with it for a while. My first three books sold off a finished draft, a half page outline for book two and an agreement that we'd think about the third book later. It was a bit of a shock to the system when I discovered I was expected to write a proposal for book three.

Mirror Magic was by far the hardest book to write. My first draft didn't match my proposal at all. 'I don't remember this character from the outline,' my editor commented. That's because I didn't know he existed when I wrote the outline. He didn't appear in my head until I was writing chapter four. 

Following Mirror Magic, Storm Hound came out in a rush with very little planning, confirming what I'd known all along: I don't do outlines. In fact, if I ever tried to write a plan, it would obliterate my will to write. How could I maintain enthusiasm for a story if I already knew what was going to happen in it?

Storm Hound came and went and I started a new book. My agent asked for an outline. (What is is with all these people wanting outlines? Don't they know who I am?)  After several attempts we agreed I should just write the book. At the Folly Farm retreat that year, Jo Nadin talked about how she plans her books in painstaking detail, and I listened in awe and terror. But later it occurred to me that a lot of what Jo called planning - researching characters and places, writing down snippets of dialogue - I call writing my first draft. 

Was I actually planning without realising it? Surely not.

A few months ago, I started a new project. As usual, I had the first chapter in my head and then some sketchy details. As usual, I got five or six chapters in and got stuck.

At the same time, my critique group was discussing how to structure a novel. Structure - ha! Structure is the evil sidekick of planning. It is an immutable, set-in-stone straitjacket that crushes the life out of stories. Which was ironic, considering my new project was banging its head against the brick wall of I-don't-know-what-to-write-next.

The last straw came in the form a friend asking if I'd do a skill-sharing session. The topic: structure. I laughed an ironic laugh and agreed.  Naturally, I planned what to say, because in all other areas of life it is perfectly reasonable to plan ahead. As I talked about different story structures and the many novel-planning methods that I had never used, a thought hit me like a bolt of obviousness from the blue.

In fact, you can change your plan as you go. There's no teacher looking over your shoulder to make sure you do it properly. 

I did something I'd never done before when writing - I opened a spreadsheet. At the top of the first column I wrote: Chapter. At the top of the second: What happens.

I started with the chapters I'd already written, then I thought about what could happen in the rest of the story. I jotted down possible scenes, moved them about (so easy to do on a spreadsheet) and I even, in a fit of unprecedented enthusiasm, added columns for wordcount and dates so I could track my progress.

At the end of the week, I gazed at the spreadsheet and realised I'd planned a entire novel. And, for some reason, the planning didn't crush my enthusiasm to write, instead I was eager to get started.

I'm now ten chapters in and I've already changed my plan four times. Whenever I have a new idea, it goes into the spreadsheet, which is a lot easier than deleting and rewriting several thousand words because I've changed my mind.

Am I converted? Time will tell. Every book is different to write and maybe next time I'll go back to making it up as I go along. But for now, planners, I am proud to be one of you!

Creative Christmas writing ideas for children (and adults?) By Steve Way

 

I thought you might find the example ideas below useful for stimulating children (and maybe adults) to do some Christmas related creative writing. I’ve used them in schools and in other contexts and they seem to have gone down well! Just a possible tip; since the children invariably ask how many letters to Santa etc that they have to write I generally tell them that they have to write at least two but no more than six million (in which case we have to inform the police.) If the children are responsive to my daft humour I also let them know that I am going to let them write on the special modern, ‘new-fangled’ (I bemoan the fact that we never had any when I was at school) DOUBLE SIDED (Gasp!!) paper. If nothing else, it’s interesting to see how many of them get the joke!

~~~~~

                                                 Pongos Circus of Wonder,

                                                 The Big Top,

                                                 Wherever it is we’re at this week,

                                                 Tuesday 16^th December 2021

Dear Santa,

         I hope you are well. Giggles the clown here. For Christmas could I have some enormous trousers? I need them for my fellow clowns to pour custard down. I’ve had to wash my current pair of enormous trousers so many times they’ve shrunk – I think the custard makes them shrink faster for some reason.

         Also, could I have a new car for our act? Our old one is so worn, the pieces of it stick together when they are supposed to fall apart. Why at the end of one act the stupid old thing was running perfectly and still had all its doors on – ridiculous!

         Finally, unlike last year, please don’t send me any more new jokes. We’ll stick with the old ones, like we always have.

         Yours sincerely,

Giggles

~~~

                                                          Germany,

                                                          Germany,

                                                          Wednesday 16^th Dec 2021

Dear Santa,

         It’s Germany here. I hope you are well. For Christmas please could I have a few more mountains? Although I’ve got quite a few high bits, no one ever talks about my mountains. Lots of nearby countries are famous for their mountains and as you know I like to be the best at everything.

         It’s also occurred to me that as well as having a huge “Black Forest” how about letting me have a “Green Forest” or an “Orange Forest” or even a “Stripy Yellow and Blue Forest”. That would be a bit of a laugh – and you know how much I enjoy a bit of a laugh! … As long as it really is only a bit.

         Best Wishes,

                              Germany

 

~~~

                                                          9 Liquid Street,

                                                          Water Avenue,

                                                          Drinktown,

                                                          DR14 8WW

                                                          Friday 13^th December 2021

 

Dear Santa,

         I am writing on behalf of my carpet. My carpet has been in my house for over forty years (it was put in the house by the person who first moved into it.) In all that time it has never received a Christmas present. As you might imagine after forty years of being walked over, having dirty shoes cleaned on it, several muddy dogs rolling on it and quite a few cups of tea spilt on it, it is very threadbare. Is there any chance you could send it a couple of rugs to cover the most worn out and dirty patches, I’m sure it would appreciate them?

         Also, while I think about it, my old fridge could do with a couple of new drawers and a plastic thingy to go in the bottom of it. Finally, just to mention, my toilet roll holder needs a new middle bit.

         Thank you for your help.

         Yours,

                  Tony Turtlesoup

~~~

                                             The Round Table,

                                             Camelot Castle,

                                             Camelot,

                                             Fair England,

                                             Tuesday 4^th December Time of Yore

Dear Santa,

         I hope ye be well. For the season of Christ Mass, would ye be so kind as to send me some more knights for my round table. Some of them have been killed by dragons before others have slain them (the dragons that is.) Also, some of the victorious knights have married the fair maidens they’ve rescued and so that leads to an even greater shortage of knights. It’s depressing, especially at this time of year when the nights are drawing in. The nights are short and I’ve a shortage of knights.

         Oh, and did I mention that some of my knights have gone off on quests and never come back?

         Yours knight-shortagely,

                                               King Arthur

 

~~~

                                                               York Castle,

                                                               York (where else?)

                                                               14^th Dec 1649

Dear Santa,

         I hope you are well. The Duke of York here. I was wondering if you could send me ten thousand more men? The ten thousand I’ve got at the moment are hopeless!

         All I did was march them up to the top of the hill and march them down again. And when they were up, they were up in arms about how hard I was making them work and when they were down, they were down on their backs snoozing the minute we’d got back to camp. I can’t have an army as useless as this! It wasn’t even much of a hill! Why if I try and take them over the Pennines to invade Lancaster, they’ll take all year to get there and be no more use as soldiers as a bunch of school children!

         I look forward to hearing from you and hope you’ll send me some real soldiers.

         Yours sincerely,

                                  The Grand old Duke (of York)

 

                        ~~~~~

                                                      Buckingham Palace,

                                                      The Mall,

                                                      London

                                                      Monday 16^th December 2021

Dear Santa,

         Could One please have three hundred new corgis for Christmas? The palace seems so empty with only two thousand of them running around the place and knocking over the statues.

         Also, could One have some more guards and things covered in gold and jewels.

         Yours sincerely,

                                    Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth

 

P.S. A few pairs of warm slippers would be appreciated too.

 

P.P.S. And a new crown if you’re running out of stocking filler ideas.

 

~~~~~

The Stables,

                                                    Behind the Toy Factory,

                                                    LAPLAND,

                                                    Wednesday 16^th Dec 2021

 

Dear Santa,

         Rudolf here. I know I ask for this every year, but this year please can I have a year off. It’s exhausting flying around the world pulling your heavy sleigh. It always makes me laugh to think that children think your sleigh is magic and floats of its own accord. As you know if we didn’t pull on your sleigh fast enough and hard enough, it would fall down.

         Well frankly this year I really am exhausted. OK the rest of the reindeer and I have had a whole year to rest… but so have you and you aren’t getting any lighter.

         Finally, another thing I don’t want is a silly red hat with a white bobble on it. Reindeer don’t wear hats – how many times do I have to tell you.

         Yours red-nosedly,

                                       Rudolf

 

~~~

The Moon,

                                             Earth Orbit,

Above Turkey at the moment, oh now its Greece… ah Italy… um France… oh forget it…

Thursday 16^th Dec 2021

 

Hello Santa,

                We hope you are well. It’s the Lunar Reindeer here. From the colony that got started when a few of our forefathers (and foremothers) escaped from the harness attached to your sleigh.

       Now, we hear you’re finding it hard to find flying reindeer to help pull your sleigh. Well we’ve got a few young bucks up here keen to volunteer. So, all you have to do is give us the Christmas present we want - namely LOTS OF CHEESE!!! There’s absolutely none here and for some reason it’s the only thing we want to eat all the time! We think about nothing else!

       Hope to hear from you.

       Yours sincerely,

                                  Rudolf Armstrong

 

P.S. Any chance of also buying us a lottery ticket? Ta.

 

~~~~~

Revolt in the Christmas factory.  

 

We of the Working Everyday Elves Party (WEEP) hereby issue the following demands.  If they are not met by you Father Christmas, we will not make any more presents.

 

1) We want some heating on in the factory. It's freezing!

 

2) Stop coming up behind us and saying, "Ho Ho Ho!" when we're not expecting it.

 

3) Why should we have to change out your reindeer? … Yuck! … It's about time you did some of the dirty jobs.

 

4) GO ON A DIET!!  We're fed up of getting squashed in the corridor when you walk by. Also eating so much makes you burp all the time, which we think is very unprofessional.  Children look up to you, you know.

 

5) We want pictures of us working in the factory on more Christmas cards - so people can see who really does the work around here.

 

6) Buy some new sacks for goodness sake! They're hundreds of years old! They're all about to collapse. You'll look a fool if they split open and the presents fall out all over Poland, won't you?

 

7) Do we have to listen to a tape of Christmas songs all year round while we're working? Can't we have Radio One on - at least for one month?

 

8) Why do you still insist on having Christmas cards showing you coming down a chimney? No one has chimneys anymore! Cards showing you using your huge bunch of skeleton keys to break into people’s houses would be much more up-to-date and accurate.

 

~~~~~

Ways to make Christmas easy.*

*Abridged version of ‘400 ways to make Christmas easy’ which first appeared in What kind of fool would buy this ridiculous magazine magazine.

 

1.    Go to the moon. You can have Christmas on your own.

2.   Find out how to become an octopus and swim under a rock and hide for a month. (See explanation above.)

3.   Arrange for all your relatives to be abducted by aliens or kidnapped. Then you won’t have to send them cards or buy them presents.

4.   Hire someone else to be you and go on a world cruise.

5.   Tell everyone that Father Christmas doesn’t exist, that Jesus was actually born in March and that pagan festivals never took place in December.

6.   Spend all day swallowing carbon dioxide so you cause drastic Global Cooling causing it to snow so much that no one can go anywhere and certainly not come to your house expecting Christmas dinner.

7.   Travel back in time and send everyone such an awful present last year that they won’t want anything to do with you this year.

8.   Steal all the clocks, diaries and calendars in the world. (This may be a little difficult, only attempt if all else fails.)

9.   Teach turkeys the rudiments of language and social unrest and hope they organise massive nationwide escape attempts.

10. Use the ideas from the book “Frankenstein” to reincarnate Scrooge and produce thousands of clones, each to be manager of every workplace in the country.

11. Invent aerial speed cameras so that Santa gets caught for speeding so many times he has his flying sleigh-riding licence removed.

~~~~~

It’s been around a while but I’ve only just discovered this link to stories on cutalongstory.com; https://www.cutalongstory.com/authors/steve-way/1172.html