Classified as... ? By Steve Way

Hi, Yet again I'm caught out a day before 'my day'... To some extent as usual I've no words of wisdom to impart... however, I found an old page of classified ads... do you remember them? I hope you enjoy them.

PS They're not real!!!

FOR SALE.

Old wardrobe. Found in an attic. No back for some reason.

 

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Marvellous Medicine available. Apply George.

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Completely Indestructible Pills.

Previously only available to cartoon characters.

Ever wondered how Tom and other cartoon characters manage to survive enormous falls, having heavy objects falling on them, being run over by a train or running into a tree?

 Now you also can be completely indestructible.

 P.S. One possible side effect is that you could become 2-Dimensional and only appear on “cartoon Time”.

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 You may not believe this but we DON’T want you to see how good our product is. In fact we want you to ignore it completely, to treat it as if it’s not there, to behave as it it’s not worth looking at, even if it’s being worn right in front of you!

 

Yes – you’ve guessed it! From threads of silk bought from the gigantic spiders living in the Forbidden Forest, we make “Smith’s Invisibility Cloaks”.  Only available to very special wizards or witches. Come to our shop in Diagon Alley and don’t see how good they are!!

 

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Is your WAND WILTING?  What you need is some of DIGGLE’S WAND REVIVER. Rub it into your wand to revive its magic properties.

 

Made from magic waxes extracted from Upside-Down Bee’s hives and the oil from Not-Really-There-Nuts. Only our experts can survive a giggle-sting from an Upside-Down Bee or extract oil from a nut that is not really there.

 

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 POD PARTS.

 

Is your pod becoming a plodder?

 

Practically falls apart when you put it in hyperdrive?

 

Please don’t feel put out because here at POD PARTS we have all the gadgets and tools to help you get your pod back in the air.

 

Obviously we can’t force you to use our services but we would like to tell you that Anakin, our head engineer, is packed full of THE  Force!

 

So if you want to win a pod race so you can get your spaceship back on the starway then a visit to POD PARTS should be on your minds.

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                                                                TOKEN

10% off for Jedi Knights.

 

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Heffalump Repellent Pot.

Frightened of Heffalumps? Then what you need is our Heffalump Repellent Pots. They look just like honey pots. Wear one upside down on your head. Frightens away all Heffalumps. Works especially well for bears of very little brain.

 

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 Jones, Jones, Jones, Jones, Jones, Jones, Jones, Jones and Jones (and Sons). Estate Agents.

  

Very “spacious” property. Early viewing recommended.

A highly unusual property has come onto the market. Previously owned by a TIME LORD, known in many incarnations as DR WHO. The TARDIS, although only looking like a small old police phone box from the outside is enormously huge on the inside.

As is well known, location is highly significant in the consideration of purchasing a property. This is another reason why an early viewing is highly recommended. This property can travel though SPACE and TIME and so can enjoy for some period ANY LOCATION IN THE UNIVERSE.

One consideration to bare in mind however before purchasing this property is that power mad megalomaniac aliens, such as THE DARLEKS, who don’t realise this property has been sold to a mortal being, may pursue you through the afore mentioned time and space, with the intention of blasting every one of your cells from one end of the universe to another.

 This property is on the market at £2 million or 16 Agrian Mangle Blix.

 Apply Vendors. (Ask for Mr Jones).

 

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 Acting News.

New opportunity!

 Due to the retirement of the performer acting “Lah Lah”, we are auditioning for new actors to take on this challenging role. All applicants must be able to; make incomprehensible noises and jiggle about stupidly in a way that displays at least six different emotions, e.g. “happiness”/“sadness”/”Is it the coffee break yet”.

 

Daft costume provided.

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Available NOW from Exclusive Cars!

 

CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG

 

This elegant four-seater comes not only with a Jaguar V.8 engine, open-top facility and spare tyre but also with wings!

 

Highly useful for avoiding tiresome traffic jams, motorway tolls or saving children from the children eater. Give way to 747’s.

 

Current Price: forty five thousand imaginary pounds.

 

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Jobs Vacant.

Position available for dwarf miner. Previously we were a team of seven however Grumpy was well… Grumpy and left. Curiously only Happy was unhappy about it.

 

Applicants must have a name that is also a real word – a cheerful word would be preferable.

 

If you’re right for the job then its heigh ho, heigh ho it off to work you go!

 

Tools and quaint cottage with housemaid provided.

 

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