Wednesday 27 September 2023

Ask An Author's Cat, by Claire Fayers

 September has been taken up with launch events and publicity for my new book and so I have asked my long term writing companion to step in and answer your questions this month.

Dear Tallis, My author is always staring at pieces of paper. How can I encourage her to get more exercise?

Dear reader, You should be sitting on those pieces of paper already. If you haven't tried that, I suggest instituting an immediate programme of paper-sitting. This will help distract your author. Regular play times are a great form of exercise. If your author is sitting at her desk, trying knocking things off a shelf in another room and watch her run.

Dear Tallis, What's the best food to give an author?

Dear reader, You can never go wrong with crunchy treats of any flavour. Or cheese. Authors will do anything for cheese.

Dear Tallis, I want to help my author with ideas for her next book but I have no idea what to do. Any suggestions?

Dear reader, Research has show that if humans wake suddenly from dreams they are more likely to remember what they were dreaming about, and those dreams could well be the start of a new book. So wake your author up suddenly. Jumping on them works, or dropping something soggy on their face.

Dear Tallis, My author appears sad. What can I do?

Dear reader, This is a common occurrence in authors. Your author may be having problems writing her book, in which case see my suggestions for food and helping with ideas. Sometimes it is because of things entirely outside of the author's control. Things like book sales, reviews and other bewildering nonsense. In this case, give your author lots of extra cuddles to remind her that she has things in her life far greater than any of that. 

Dear Tallis, My author has just published a book. How can I help her celebrate?

Dear reader, Everything must be about the book. Pose for photographs with the book. Listen while your author reads from her book. Purr while she talks about her book. There may be edible book treats so make sure you pounce on those. She will also need lots of reassurance at this time and she may come home tired from talking to humans about her book. When she comes in, give her plenty of time to take her shoes off, put her props away and fetch a snack before you ask her how her day went. About thirty seconds should be enough.

Tallis will be here all week to answer your questions. Pop them in the comments.

Tapper Watson and the Quest for the Nemo Machine by Claire Fayers is the Independent Bookshops September Book of the Month. It contains no cats.


Joan Lennon said...

Dear Tallis, Thank you for your excellent advice. I have been trying to encourage my writer to stretch properly, thoroughly and often, by demonstrating to her the best ways to do so. She just doesn't seem to get it. What else can I do? Any thoughts gratefully received.

Claire Fayers said...

Dear Joan's cat, Humans are frustratingly slow to learn. I tried to teach my author to play with a mouse once - a complete disaster! The good news is if you dig your claws into a human's limb they will move it and so even the most exercise-resistant authors can be encouraged to be more mobile. I suggest starting with the legs then move on to more advanced exercises such as jumping onto your author's shoulders and walking down her back with your claws out. Remember to reward your author with lots of purrs when she gets something right.

Joan Lennon said...

Thank you. I'm on it.