Trusting the process and not giving up.

 I recently went away for a week's retreat and was helped, as a beginner, to paint my first icon, in this case not a celebrity or a button on a computer,  but a religious painting from the Christian Orthodox tradition, painted, or 'written' in a particular way, which is specifically created to be prayed with. Painting or 'writing' an icon involves following a traditional process. There are set prayers to be said before starting to paint, set materials used, there is an order to the painting, and set colours associated with the Sacred subject chosen, but there is also a recognisable form and order in the way to paint it - day one I was taught to transfer the image on to a white prepared board, then prepared the board to add gold leaf, and each day following there were set tasks - adding the double halo, the lettering, painting the garments, the skin, etc.  

It was a wonderful week for me, and I felt great peace, but there were also really difficult parts, because I had never been through that process before. It started off very well - by the end of the first day I had a face traced on the canvas, and I had applied the gold leaf, but as the week went on I felt it descended into chaos and I felt really embarrassed and, at times, despairing. It was really hard to keep going, but our tutor was very gentle and kept saying 'just add another layer' and assured me it would be fine. At the end of the week the icon would be blessed, for us to bring home to pray with,  but only if it was finished, so I was desperate not to mess it up.

I took photos of every stage of the process, and sent them to my friend, an artist, every day, to show her how I was getting on, and I even sent her photos of the work when I felt it was going wrong.  Yesterday I met up with her, and she told me, that as an experienced painter and teacher, she never at any stage felt that I was messing it up. She recognised what was happening as essential to the process. 

Even though writing an icon does not seem to leave room for creativity as such, each finished icon is subtly different, because of the individual iconographer, so I think there is some parallel with our work as writers for children. The whole experience reminded me that there is always a stage when we are embarking on a creative project when everything is shiny and new - we have traced the outline and even have gold leaf shining. But to get to the end, we have at some point to descend into chaos, lose our way, before what we have created becomes clear. I think that applies whether we are writing an icon, or a children's book, whether we are religious or not, but there is always something amazing about trusting the process, not giving up, and getting to the end! 

I won't share all the photos, but here are some examples of stages along the way:

Towards the beginning, feeling positive about how it was going, the halo shining, the image clear.

But as the week went by it got more worrying, and harder to trust in the process...but then the final icon emerged, and it did get blessed, and I do now pray with it every day!

So don't give up, if you are at that worrying middle bit!