There is only one subject I could write about this month
so forgive me if I do so. At the end of July my partner suffered a serious
breakdown, from which she seemed to be recovering well, only for a serious
relapse to occur a month later and for myself and members of my family to have
to take one of the most difficult decisions you will ever have to face. Now she is
recovering and regaining herself a little at a time, although we both know it
will be a slow process. She is lucky enough to find herself in the only women’s
recovery unit in Wales, rather than in some distant mixed ward where, as a
non-driver, I wouldn’t even be able to see her.
I could just as easily write this blog on the theme of
art imitating life, because this year has been yet another instance of it. It is a year where I completed my latest book about a professional Victorian
mad-girl, where I have developed a near obsession with the work of Robert
Schumann, (who ended his days in Endenich Assylum), where both Rosie and I spent much of this year contributing to a forthcoming book on change and loss called The Raven’s Call, and where I am currently in Week 3 of the
futurelearn course I'd already signed up for on Mental Health in Literature (this week ‘Bereavement’) long before any of this happened,
I now find myself facing a totally unexpected challenge and series of changes
whose sequence and results are as yet unknown. I am again living a solo life interspersed
with visits to see Rosie when she is well enough, and almost daily ‘check in’
calls to her or one of the staff. I am thrown back on to myself and my own
resources without the moral support of the person I have had by my side for the
last seven years.
The odd thing – as I have written in The Raven’s
Call – is that when these things happen there can occur a phenomena which I
can only call, ''The other side of the fence. It’s when at the same time you experience both the thing itself - the feeling you’re
having say -, while somehow also being able to observe it from a distance and congratulate
yourself on how you’re doing. Didn’t I do well there? Didn’t I choose just the
right words? Look at me getting on the bus like nothing’s happened?
And then there are the times that you feel yourself so
gloriously in the actual moment – no matter how bad or harrowing it might be –
that you could almost shout for joy. Such a thing happened two weeks ago.
I had arranged to see Rosie as usual in the afternoon about
2.30, but when I arrived she was very anxious and agitated and seemed uncertain
about joining me or sitting down. At one point she disappeared altogether and I
wasn’t sure that she’d even return. But she came back and brought with her a
new drawing she’d done to show me. Something – perhaps the act of
picking up something she’d created – had calmed her enough, and now it was time
for me to read some poetry from the book I’d bought. It was there that the real
miracle happened.
Rosie loves poetry as much as she loves art and is very
skilled at both. She is a brilliant academic who as a mature student, narrowly
missed a first at Aberystwyth University. Last year she won the inaugural Disability
Arts Wales poetry competition where the judge, poet Menna Elfyn, said that her winning entry, ‘I
Once Had A Heart’,’had haunted me for days’.
The book I brought in - appropriately enough - was ‘From The
Heart’, a selection of poems chosen by
Ted Hughes. As we settled back down on the sofa in the visitors room, I set
about picking a few which I thought she would enjoy. These included over the
next hour, poems by Yeats, Frost, Elliot and Betjeman. But we both agreed that our particular favourite was The Way Through The Woods by Rudyard Kipling.
We were both haunted by its message and especially its ending –
‘You
will hear the beat of a horse’s feet,
And
the swish of a skirt in the dew,
Steadily
cantering through
The
misty solitudes.
As
though they perfectly knew
The
old lost road through the woods …
But
there is no road through the woods.
It wasn’t this poem alone which soothed her anxiety and –
bit by bit – brought that bright but over-burdened brain into clarity, but it
was that poem which seemed to encapsulate the specialness of that afternoon, where just being with someone and connecting them back to all the things they
held dear, was enough – quite enough.
That same week I had poetry very much on my mind because the
first week of the excellent futurelearn course on Mental Health and Literature
with Professors Jonathan Bate and Paula Byrne was on the theme of Depression
and Stress and particularly how poetry can combat both. I had already found – that just doing simple things on the course like reading out loud poems such as Wordsworth’s ‘On Westminster Bridge’, Yeats ‘Lake Isle of Innisfree’, Edward
Thomas ‘Addlestrop’ and Matthew Arnold’s Dover Beach, ( a wonderful poem I hadn’t
come across before) - brought me very quickly to those moments of calm and clarity
which at the moment are much needed.
You see the truth is that it has taken me an awfully long
time to 'get' poetry. I have certainly written it intermittently - and especially
in the last two years when I have been almost prolific – Since childhood I
have appreciated many poems here and there. I have fallen completely in love with
poems like Frost’s ‘Stopping by Woods’, Rossetti’s ‘Silent Noon’, and Rosenberg’s
‘Returning We Hear The Larks’. I used to love Hardy and Blake more and would
like to do so again. I can still find endless fascination in ‘The Waste Land’
No something has happened with poetry lately and
especially on this course, for it is as if I do finally ‘get’ what I never did
before – that ability and quality a poem has of stopping a moment or idea dead, so that
you can rummage around in it to your heart’s content. Last week, part of the
course was on the examples of 'heartbreak', (that week's theme) in Jane Austen’s Sense and Sensibility
and the very different ways that Elinor and Marianne deal with it. I’ve never
taken greatly to your average internet article, ( my fellow
bloggers aside) but reading even short extracts from the book wasn’t
something I could easily engage with. I think I was missing the space of the poetry
and in comparison the lines of packed prose seemed just to crowd in on me and I
just wanted the air and freedom of the poem .
I don’t know whether this was because of what happened last
Friday or just maybe because I have a profoundly ill partner in hospital and
perhaps my patience and indeed concentration isn’t always at its best. What I
do know is that poetry is helping both of us in different ways and that it is a
connection which we have shared and will continue to share - long after this
crisis is resolved - for many years to come.
One of the great joys of the new year, was that we both
read the ‘Daughters of Time’ collection by The History Girls, both getting equal
enjoyment and value from it in different ways. For Rosie however it became a
true source of inspiration because she decided there and then to write a series of poem about the women in the book whose stories had most got to her. She wrote poems about Amy Johnson and Emily
Davison and others and then raced to the back of the book to find new inspiration from
the other women suggested there and wrote poems about a couple of them. We were
both however inspired to write about Mary Anning after reading Joan Lennon's wonderful 'Best After Storms', and it was almost a race to
get ours down, (I won in the end) first. It was fascinating for us how we could both have such a different take on one subject.. We went on after
that to write the animal poems for The Raven’s Call with Rosie taking on Hare,
Wren and Swallow and me Raven, Wolf and Butterfly. In those moments of
composing and reading and sharing we felt a true connection in a way which we perhaps couldn’t get anywhere else. I'm sure that that deep creative connection applies to many more people than us and provides equal comfort.
Last week I also gained two very different instances of
the healing power of poetry from the futurelearn course. The
first was course tutor Paula Byrne’s moving interview with a teacher Jack Lankester. He relates how - following a severe depression after the break-up of a relationship
at university - in the end a sympathetic tutor suggested he read a a
sonnet sequence by Sir Philip Sidney
.“I believed in my naivety that no one had ever been as heartbroken as I was. No one understood… When I started reading him, the penny dropped in that instant, I felt wildly less alone. And the fact that he had been writing these poems 500 years ago, really did make me realise that being heartbroken or sad or lost is in many ways inevitable. And it’s a part of the human condition.”
Of course this wasn’t immediately a
miracle cure but he did find enough in a single poem alone to give him something to
cling on to, where despite the old fashioned language and style the sentiment
and feeling came through to illuminate his particular darkness.
Astrophil and Stella 31: With how sad steps, O Moon, thou climb'st the skies
Related Poem Content Details
With how sad steps, O Moon, thou climb'st the skies!
How silently, and with how wan a face!
What, may it be that even in heav'nly place
That busy archer his sharp arrows tries!
Sure, if that long-with love-acquainted eyes
Can judge of love, thou feel'st a lover's case,
I read it in thy looks; thy languish'd grace
To me, that feel the like, thy state descries.
Then, ev'n of fellowship, O Moon, tell me,
Is constant love deem'd there but want of wit?
Are beauties there as proud as here they be?
Do they above love to be lov'd, and yet
Those lovers scorn whom that love doth possess?
Do they call virtue there ungratefulness?
(Thanks to the Poetry Foundation website)
The second and yes – literally heart-breaking instance - is in the poem Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy by poet and psychiatrist Richard Berlin, where he is dealing with an elderly man who has suffered a suspected heart attack following
the sudden death of his wife. In exploring both his own and the old man’s
feelings, he marries the technical medical jargon with the
image of the over-burdened left ventricle - which now with its narrow neck and rounded bottom, resembles a Japanese octopus pot or
Takotsubo . In the end, in commiserating the old man on his loss, the poem ends with him expresssing the wish that he had eight octopus arms to hug him with. You can find
this wonderful and moving poem on brickroadpoetrypress.com.
 |
| Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy - The condition and the inspiration. |
NB As close as you can come to a broken heart, Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy is actually a weakening of the left ventricle which looks like a heart attack but is actually caused by intense stress.
This blog was essentially about three hearts, so let's end with a poem about three more.
I once had a heart
I once had a heart
all red muscle and hard work. Battle-
scarred and bullet ridden. Never the
victor, always the victim. Wouldn't
win a beauty competition. Yet full of
spirit. But that's what matters most
isn't it?
And so intricate. Would have shamed the
universe's complex plans. Ad infinitum
tiny arteries that whispered a claret
red, rich susurrus in spiral after spiral.
The life-giver.
How aptly named you were. And worked
as a heart should. But for one thing.
That endless Thud, Thud. THUD. Too
many memories trapped in the blood.
echoing. Echoing. ECHOING.
For sanity's sake I traded it in.
The new one - a beautiful thing. Hand-
carved. Some said it had a hollow tick.
A heart void of any characteristic
important to life. But in time, I grew
to love it as my own. Then -
in a heartbeat, Woodworm.
Countless tunnels, raised up like embroidered
veins.
So the choice was made. One last fling
in the arms of fate. What seemed a faultless
trade.
A heart to die for. A 'work of art'.
And what's better - no flesh, no wood,
or boiled-up blood.
But it had a single flaw. A long-held
tear shattered its core. Fractured red
into yellow and green, bled blue into
indigo, edge by edge into nothing. Like
all the atoms that have ever been.
For a whole galaxy of wonderful poems check out The Poetry Foundation website.
You can find Richard Berlin's Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy on brickroadpoetrypress.com
If you're interested in catching up with the futurelearn course on Mental Health in Literature, tutors Professor Jonathan Bate and Professor Paula Byrne, or any more of their courses, check out the futurelearn website. You can also find many of the fascinating intrerviews with psychiatrists, actors and academics on youtube.
