Hi, I hope you are all well. I was thinking about writing about a completely different topic but this came to me, appropriately while I was having a cuppa. I hope you enjoy it and may consider acting as adjudicators for The Cup of Tea Test when visiting schools!
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Dear Headteachers,
As a
representative of authors and other creative visitors, such as actors and
illustrators, I would like to thank the majority of you, your staff and
particularly the children for making us so welcome when we come to work with
the children in your school. We especially appreciate it when you, or one of
your colleagues meets us as we arrive and help us with our often heavy and
unwieldy bags and equipment. It is always wonderful when one of the children in
the school can see that you are looking a bit lost, asks if they can help and
guide to your next location. They are a credit to you.
I hope you
won’t mind me asking you not to expect us to work in your school for free.
Disregarding the fact that the average income of a children’s writer is
considerably less than a standard teacher, I can’t imagine how many of you, or
your staff, would volunteer to work for nothing. I know this may be a surprise
to some of you but despite enjoying what we do, particularly when we’re helping
to inspire the children, we have to pay the gas bill as frequently as most
other mortals. Whilst it’s not uncommon for some of the children to believe
that as authors we must live in castles, it’s surprising to realise that some
of your colleagues seem equally deluded.
For the same
reason, it would be appreciated that you ask your colleagues not to be openly
resentful towards us and unsympathetically or unsupportively expecting us to
provide our full pound of flesh, blood and all when offering our services. It
might be worth reminding them not only about the situation already noted but
that also unlike them we’re not receiving pension benefits, sick pay or holiday
pay and as independent operators don’t enjoy a predictable income. By the same
count could you remind them that if we’re kind enough to leave out copies of
our books for them to browse through that it’s actually illegal for them to
photocopy them while we’re away from the staffroom working with the children. (Once
more refer to note above).
It's
wonderful that so many of you, or your colleagues, insist on making sure that
we are made comfortable when we arrive. I personally believe what I have named
The Cup of Tea Test acts as an incredibly precise measure of how successful and
beneficial for the children a visit is going to be. Indeed I think each school
should be given a rating for the score in The Cup of Tea Test, just like a Michelin
score for restaurants. See suggested rating system below.
For schools
wishing to enhance their grading in this unofficial test, I do acknowledge that
each school has its own arrangements for the production and distribution of
beverages for the permanent staff. However, the This Is My Mug! wars are your
own business and it would be appropriate for visitors to be provided with mugs
that haven’t just been dug up in an archaeological excavation. Also, actual
teabags* need to be available along with milk that isn’t green. Alternatively,
if you insist on providing us with one of those horrible black plastic mugs with
don’t-spill-the-tea-on-the-kids lids on (which would otherwise be a great idea,
if you could actually drink through the slits) please could we have one that
has been washed since the Norman Invasion and doesn’t make the tea taste
like old socks and therefore undrinkable.
I hope you
find my grading system for The Cup of Tea Test below interesting, I have found
it virtually infallible. Please feel free to put your school forward for an
assessment by you next visiting author.
Yours
sincerely,
An Aggravated
Author
*i.e. not
just herbal varieties that have obviously been knocking about for centuries.
The Cup of Tea Test. Created by Steve ‘The Cynic’ Way
5 Mugs: More
than one staff member makes sure you have a cup of tea and if not make one for
you. The tea is good quality as is the milk. You may even be offered a biscuit
or two! Gasp! NB 80+% of schools fall into this category, thank God.
Likely Outcome
of Visit (LOV): If, despite being as overworked as teachers in other schools,
the staff take the time and effort to make you welcome, it is highly likely
that the visit will be a success. The atmosphere that permeates the whole
school will be positive, the children and the teachers will be fully engaged in
all the activities and therefore staff and students will benefit from the
visit.
The cheque
for payment for your visit will be handed to you before you leave and before
you have to ask.
4 Mugs:
You’re accompanied to the staff room but left to make the tea for yourself. However
the tea is decent and the milk is not a new life form.
LOV: Probably
a fairly successful visit, though possibly in at least one session the teacher
will be marking work rather than participating, indicating to her/his class the
degree of importance the attach to your visit/contribution.
After you
politely ask for payment you have to follow the secretary or head teacher
around the school to find the counter-signatory.
3 Mugs:
Questionable mug. Disappointing tea (or the horrible plastic mugs with lids,
see above). Plus you feel guilty every time you make another brew. Milk has a
history.
LOV: Some
degree of point to your being there. High degree of possibility one teacher
will ask you – in front of the children – if you mind if they rearrange the
books in the library area while you work with the children. Of course you [expletive]
do but can’t say so in front of the children. See above.
Alternatively,
you will be expected to work in a space that turns out to be a hub in the
school through which several classes, staff and numerous others will pass,
repeatedly interrupting your presentation. Possibly this will also turn out to
be the space used for the children’s lunch, which you will be turfed out of
just as you’re getting to the highlight of your interaction with the children. The
head teacher will later complain that the children didn’t get as much out of
your visit as she/he had hoped.
You may be
asked to resend your invoice, as the previous one will have been lost and wait several
weeks for payment.
2 Mugs: You
are shown into the staffroom then abandoned. The only mugs available appear to
be on shelves assigned to each teacher. In any case no teabags appear to be
available. A container marked ‘Coffee’ has a brown stain around the inside of
its base. The milk is 50 shades of not white.
LOV: It’s
highly likely that the staff will not attend your presentation, an extreme
possibility being that you are joined by one TA for a workshop with four
classes. The teachers apparently relying on osmosis or some other exotic means
as a way of knowing how to follow up the session.
Expect the
cheque to arrive around the time your overdraft charges accrued while waiting
exceed the payment.
1 Mug: Entering
the staffroom makes you feel like you have ended up with a role in a B movie
western where you play the part of the unwelcome stranger in the unwelcoming saloon.
Forget any
form of beverage, though the milk may by now have evolved into a life form that
might as well join you in your session. At least some of the children may
restore your faith in humanity.
Speaking of
children ensure that you record the invoice in your effects, so that hopefully
your grandchildren may benefit financially from your visit.
LOV: At
least one of the teachers is likely to tell you, as the children enter the
classroom, that they are collectively useless and that you ‘won’t get anything out
of this lot’ (NB Ignore this as you probably will, much to the annoyance of
said teacher). Alternatively, they will completely ignore children misbehaving
and undermining your presentation. They see you as a glorified supply teacher
and consider discipline your domain while you’re with them. In other cases they
will make such a pantomime of admonishing the children they take over the task
of undermining the session.
A pantomime also adequately describes the process you will have to go through to extract payment from this institution.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The adventures of 'Bongo the Armadillo' may appeal, amongst others to reluctant readers and writers. This is because each 'adventure' is short - though bizarre or surreal - but follows a recurring structure that may make reluctant readers more comfortable and which reluctant writers can follow.
ISBN 978-1549517372
ASIN B074VBHCQ9
By the way, most of Bongo's adventures begin while he is having a cup of tea!
2 comments:
Yes! Says it all. Great post!
Thank you Paul! :)
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