~~~
“All the King’s horses and all the King’s men,
couldn’t put Humpty together again…”
“We
dunno where to start, Sir,” the Sergeant told the Commanding Officer.
“Alright,
don’t bother. Leave him where he is. Serves a bally egg right for sitting on a
wall in the first place,” replied the Commanding Officer. “Oh and Sergeant,
don’t go talking to the horses again… bad for the men’s morale, don’t you
know…”
~~~
“Little Bo Peep, she lost her sheep…” So she was
sacked.
~~~
“Share a bite of my apple, pretty maiden,” said
the evil queen, disguised as an old lady.
“But
I don’t like apples,” replied Snow White. “Have you got any bananas?…
Contrary to popular belief, the evil queen knocked
Snow White out with the fruit basket.
~~~
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel, throw down your hare…”
So
the fair maiden Rapunzel threw down her hare.
The
prince put it on the floor and it hopped off into the forest.
“At
least my poor pet is now free,” Rapunzel thought to herself. “If only I hadn’t
had a haircut yesterday. I might be free as well then.”
A
little while later the hungry prince made himself a stew. “If I can’t get her,
I might as well have her hare,” he thought to himself.
~~~
Little did the evil witch know that Sleeping
Beauty suffered from insomnia.
~~~
It wasn’t the pea that disturbed the princess. All
night long she lay awake, thinking, “Why are there so many mattresses on my
bed?”
She
wondered if she’d been put in the mattress storeroom and not a proper bedroom.
~~~
As the person she thought was her grannie turned
out not to be her grannie, Little Red Riding Hood wished she hadn’t been too
vain to wear her glasses.
~~~
The bridge the three Billy Goats Gruff would have
to cross was right at the other end of the field.
“I
can’t be bothered walking up there,” said the Little Goat.
“Neither
can I,” said the Middle Goat. “Why don’t we wade across the river here?”
So
they did. While this was going on the hungry troll was watching them. He
remembered now the wise words his Estate Agent had told him.
“Before
buying a home you’ve got to think “location, location, location”…”
At
least I ate the Estate Agent thought the troll.
Moral. Even trolls can have
their uses.
~~~
One day Postman Pat had more than four letters to
deliver!
“I
can’t take this stress,” he told the black cat.
~~~
“Flubber, flubber, wub…” said Bill.
“Wubba,
wubba flub…” said Ben.
Weed
smiled to herself. It was lovely living with the only two men she knew who ever
said anything remotely sensible.
~~~
“Mary, Mary, quite contrary, How does your garden
grow?…”
“I
watch that nice man Alan Titchmarsh on the telly.”
~~~
No magic on Earth could stop the school inspectors
finding Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
“You
can forget Herbology and Transfiguration from now on,” the inspector told
Dumbledore. “From now on we want to see the Literacy Hour and the Numeracy Hour
instituted in this school.”
“These
people are more powerful and awful than Voldemort,” thought Dumbledore.
~~~
“For goodness sake,” thought C. S. Lewis. “If
those children play any more roughly, they’ll end up going through the back of
that wardrobe.”
~~~
The Emperor was
suspicious of the two salesmen right from the start.
“I
don’t trust the likes of them,” he thought. “They’ll have my shirt off my back
in five minutes if I let them.”
~~~
Winnie the Pooh got a
First Class degree in Astrophysics.
“Now
who’s the bear of very little brain?” he asked Christopher Robin.
~~~
“Romeo, Romeo, wherefore
art thou Romeo?” whispered Juliet to the moon from the privacy of her balcony.
Meanwhile Romeo was hanging upside down in the
prickly hedge surrounding the Capulet's garden, with his tights and waistcoat
tangled in the branches.
~~~
Cinderella went to the ball… She hit it right into
the top right hand corner of the net!!! The Brazilian keeper didn’t know what
hadn’t hit him. The England Fairy Tale Team were 1-0 ahead!
“We’ll
win this quarter final, thought Cinders.
~~~
The three blind mice went
to the opticians.
“So,
we weren’t blind, just in need of glasses,” said one of the mice.
“If
we’d have carried on without them for much longer, that horrible farmer’s wife
could have done something nasty to us,” said one of the others.
~~~
It was so lucky that the
three bears were security conscious. If they hadn’t locked up the house before
they left it, that nuisance Goldilocks would have walked right into their house
and messed everything up.
~~~
Bambi hopped and skipped
playfully through the tranquil sunny forest… straight into a bear.
~~~
Mowgli observed the
goings on in the village through the canopy of trees. The villagers were
labouring away, trying to scratch a living out of the land. The men digging in
the unforgiving stony soil, the women bashing the unrelenting grain into flour
and the children playing in the dirt.
“Are
you sure you want to go back there?”
Baloo asked.
“Forget
it,” said Mowgli. “Let’s go and find a paw-paw.”
~~~
Cruella De Ville
discovered that she was allergic to dogs.
“How
could fate be so cruel,” the evil woman thought. “I’m audacious but allergic to
crime!”
~~~
Lah Lah quit.
The others didn’t know what to say.
Mainly because they couldn’t say anything.
~~~
“But if we take from the
rich and give to the poor, the poor will become rich,” pointed out Will
Scarlet.
“Well
in that case, why don’t we keep the money ourselves?” suggested Little John.
“But
then we’ll be rich,” said Friar Tuck.
“Forget
it then,” said Robin Hood.
“So much for a life of romantic adventure,”
thought Maid Marion. “I should have married the accountant after all.”
2 comments:
These versions of famous stories are brilliant, Steve! Sorry I was so late getting round to reading them.
Brilliant, Steve! I loved your versions of fairytales etc. Sorry I've only just found this.
Post a Comment