Have a good trip By Steve Way

 

A few years ago, I had the opportunity to visit many schools around the country and beyond. In the vast majority of cases, it was an enjoyable and uplifting experience, particularly when both the children and the teachers were welcoming (the children were always welcoming.) However, as I am sure is the case for those of you who have done the same thing, there have been some varied and not always pleasant experiences. I once visited an infant and junior school, where I was booked to spend time in each class. I started in the infant section and was taken at the break time not to the staffroom but the caretaker’s room. Due to a dispute about smoking in the staffroom – one of the infant teacher’s smoked – the infant teachers and staff refused to use the staffroom. This put me in the difficult position at lunchtime of leaving them and heading off for what seemed like enemy territory! It certainly seemed like walking into a different school! At least – as ever – I could rely on the children! (What made the situation even more ridiculous was that individually all the teachers were very friendly too!)

The following piece is based on real experiences to some degree or another.

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Welcome to our school Mr… Writer-thingy-wasyername. Let me make you a cup of tea before I abandon you in the staff room, dash off to a meeting and then ignore you when I get back. Ah, it appears I can’t offer you a cup of tea, or even a mug because all that tea and coffee is the tea-and-coffee-that-belongs-to-someone-and-cannot-be-used-by-anyone-else tea and coffee – and the same applies to the mugs I’m afraid. Do make yourself comfortable however – just don’t sit there… there… or there.  I wouldn’t bother talking to the staff by the way, they’re a pretty close-knit lot here and anyway, it’s their free time, isn’t it? Must dash…

 

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Well, this is the space we’re using today. As you can see there’s lots of things going on at the moment…

KABOOOM!!!

Oh, don’t worry about that, it’s just the TA’s putting up a display using staple cannons. Now I’ve got to go and do some marking while you take the children. Oh… and there’ll be some parents turning up at irregular intervals to take readers out and some of them are going out at random times for instrument lessons or just to really upset you for no reason at all. Now the secretary’s got to bring a builder in here at some stage to discuss (in very loud voices probably) how to make this room conform to modern health and safety regulations… and don’t worry if the printers all start up – we’ve had to put them in here as they disturb us while we’re working. (Oh, and yes, as you’ll probably guess, the secretary’s stilettos are made of depleted uranium.) 

Ah, I’ve just remembered that I didn’t tell you before your visit that we have innumerable particular situations to deal with, with this particular group; half of them are autistic, half are dyslexic and the other half are having real problems with their maths for some reason… oh and one of them collects cigarette cards, which we’re really worried about… but do please try and pitch your work at the right level now I’ve let you know about all this, there’s a dear. Have you been in a school before by the way? Those smaller people are children…

You probably won’t get anything out of them by the way. They’re all pretty stupid, well that’s what we all think. There’s no need to look concerned, they all know what we think of them as we discuss their shortcomings while they’re milling around us, the little darlings.

KABOOOM!!

 

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Well, thank you for coming… I’m sure you did your best anyway. I suppose we should have checked the CRB form that cost you so much time and money to get hold of when you arrived in the morning, shouldn’t we – we don’t want the school getting in to trouble do we? Still, you were only on your own with them for about two hours weren’t you, so I suppose that’s not too bad, is it? I’m sure we can explain that away if we have to… and anyway it’ll be you the police and the press will be hounding, so I can’t see why we have to bother really.

 

Sorry but we can’t pay you now, like we promised, because, silly us, we forgot that you’ve got to fill in all these forms packed full of questions you’re bound not to know the answer to… oh and look you have to fill out this one in Flemish… on top of that the head teacher’s on sabbatical in Tonga for a year and can’t counter-sign any of the cheques until she gets back.

 

Now toddle off home, can’t you? We want to have a nice chat in the staffroom about the negative feedback we want to write on your “Visit Assessment” form. Can I suggest you don’t request a copy?

Goodbye!

 

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While I was digging about searching for the above piece, which I wrote a while ago, I came across this piece I wrote parodying the archetypal awful school trip. I had forgotten all about it and as I enjoyed it I hope you don’t mind me sharing it with you.

 

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Name:      Parminder Soar               Date: 12th November 2011  Shortcut Primary School Trip Form.

Where did you go on your school trip? I still don’t know. Some place Miss’ boyfriend told her about. We drove past it twice because Miss hadn’t been there before either.

What equipment did you take with you? This boring worksheet. We always have to fill in this boring worksheet during our school trips, which always makes the trip much less interesting, and we know we’ve got to think of responses to the stupid questions on them. To be fair not on this trip though because Miss forgot to bring any pencils, so we had to carry it around on a clipboard all day and then fill it in for homework. Sam asked why we had to carry the worksheets and clipboards around with us even though we couldn’t fill them in, but Miss told him it made it look like we were on a proper school trip if anyone saw us.

How did you make sure you were all safe? We all kept an eye on Miss and her two helpers in case they went to the bar at lunchtime and watched us through the windows like they did last time and then nearly went home without six of us.   Mary made a list of all our names just in case Miss had forgotten the register again, though she hadn’t this time. Instead she was worried when Rajid didn’t get off the bus to go home and it took ages to convince her that he had been absent this morning but she hadn’t taken the register before we left.   John had been very clever and brought his shiny jacket some of us got for Walk to School Club and it seemed like a good idea that one of us was easier to see on a foggy day like today when we were walking beside that fast moving river. Farhana thinks that’s what probably saved Shula’s life.

What have learned from today’s trip? Well, when Mrs Kirby, one of the helpers, disappeared behind a tree to have a quick ciggy, the red-faced ranger told her all about how a smoking tab end could have started a forest fire when she dropped it in the dry leaf litter. (He told her in such a loud voice we learned about that too. He also used some words I don’t think I understand the meaning of yet.) Then the ranger noticed Shula slip into the water as he looked over towards us (that’s where Farhana says the shiny jacket came in useful) and we learned a lot about how to prevent hypo-thermy-something developing after he’d jumped in and pulled her out of the water and then covered her in warm clothes that he got each of us to lend him. (I was quite cold myself after that.)

What will you most remember from the day? It was very dramatic when the police stopped the driver of the coach after he’d made the coach wobble from side to side a bit on the way home. I think he must have been tired because the policewoman seemed to ask him if he could blow up a balloon. It looked as if he was too tired to blow up the balloon, so the policewoman and policeman kindly took him home in their car and then someone else had to come and drive the coach home the rest of the way. That meant we were quite late back but that was lovely in a way because mummy was very pleased to see me and she even cried a bit the soppy thing.

What will you most take with you from your experience? Our school trips are fantastic because they always inspire my dream of being one of the first women commandoes. After all, if I can survive our school trips, I must be able to survive anything. Tomorrow morning I’ll be in training for the next one!