A
couple of years ago I took advantage of having my ‘slot’ just before Bonfire
Night and posted a range of ridiculous fireworks that I’d used to encourage
children (and adults) to write their own versions. Of course, the disadvantage
of posting on the 2nd of the month means that the 2nd of
October is too soon for pieces about Hallowe’en and well technically now it’s all
over. However, although I know I'm stretching it a bit (hence the title), I'm hoping that horror and all that is gruesome is still on your
mind, or on the mind of others you might want to inspire to write, I’m being
rebellious (gasp!) and posting a group of pieces based on witches and others
associated with the 31st of October. Most of them were written a
while ago but dragging these out of the heavily guarded vault has inspired a
couple of new ideas. I hope you enjoy them… Read on if you dare! HAHAHA… AAAGH!
~~~~~~~~~~
The Wot?
Even in the kingdom of
witches there can still be lazy students who look out of the window staring
into the distance when they should be learning their spells. The Wot is one of
these. They are members of the coven who never even learned how to turn a
parsnip into a dog. If you ask them something all they will answer is “Wot?”
Hence their name. Even if you scream at them, “Quick! Prepare a spell of
protection we are about to be eaten up by the Vile Horde of Asgoorn who have
escaped their imprisonment in the Deepest House of Hell!” All the Wot will say
is “Wot?” Usually for the last time
though.
The Who.
This is a witch that has a strong affinity for
owls, not a 1960’s rock band. Generally versed in all three hundred thirty-six
and three quarters of the owl languages these witches are oddly the ones given
the task of cauldron repairs. This is why it takes you so long to get your
cauldron repaired (if you’re a witch that is) and why there are so few well-trained
owls serving in the kitchen (don’t be deceived by recent popular stories
claiming that the owls deliver post, that job is done by Emus. This is why
witch post is very slow in this and many other European countries as there
aren’t many Emus available. It gets delivered at lightning speed in Australia
though!)
The Headless Ghost.
This unfortunate ghost really is headless.
Beheaded at a mass execution this ghost couldn’t find its head within the
requisite Find Your Head By Date as stipulated in the Afterlife Law and
Regulations (5000BC) Rule 6 a Sub-section c. Consequently, this ghoul wanders
around his place of execution constantly walking into things as he can’t see
where he’s going. Not that that matters that much because of course when he
walks into things he just well, walks into them. Still, it’s very upsetting not
knowing where you’re going even though it doesn’t matter where you’re going.
Also lacking a mouth, the ghost can’t express his immortal suffering by
wailing, a popular way of ghost expressing their unending despair. Unfortunately
that teaches him a lesson for fighting on the losing side in a battle (always a
bad idea particularly 7000 years ago.)
Add Up Dracula.
This is a relative of
Count Dracula. Whereas Count Dracula counts how many victims he’s attacked in
the night, Add Up Dracula likes to stack them in piles, and then add up the
number in each pile to calculate how many he’s killed.
Another
member of the Dracula family is Take Away Dracula. He has cursed himself into carrying
out countless calculations because of his goal of killing all the people on the
planet. Every time he kills one of his victims, he takes one away from the
number of people he’s got left to kill. Well for one thing that’s a very large
number which he has to constantly update that number by finding out how many
babies have been born that day and how many people have died of causes other
than of being bitten by him and his relatives. Also Count Dracula and Add Up Dracula
have to give constant updates on their progress.
This is a special school
for people who want to become ghosts when they die and come back and haunt
somebody. So if you want to haunt an old school friend, or a brother or sister,
this is where you need to go.
Initial
lessons involve Walking Through Things practice. Doors and walls are made of
very thin material like brown paper and you have to walk through them. If you
get very good at it, for example by making the hole you make as small as
possible, you advance to thicker sheets of paper. Extremely keen students can
bang their heads against a brick wall for several hours. All this practice is
thought to improve your chances of becoming a ghost, as you are then an expert
at going through things.
Further
lessons involve Wailing. This is made easier when students see their bill for
attending Ghost School.
The
most popular lesson is called Throwing Expensive Things Around. Students have
to throw expensive breakable ornaments around the room in as dramatic and as destructive
a manner as possible. This is thought to be good practice for doing the same
thing when they’ve become ghosts and scare people with their poltergeist antics.
Of
course no one can be sure that all this practice at Ghost School actually does
ensure that a student becomes a ghost when they die but so far no one has come
back to the school as ghost to haunt the school as a punishment for the school
not being any good… hmm… still I suppose if they didn’t become a ghost despite
going to Ghost School, they couldn’t be a ghost haunting Ghost School in
the first place…
Well
just remember that if you go to
The Topless Carrot.
This is the vegetable
version of a headless human ghost. The ghost carrot floats around as a ghostly
white version of the carrot that had its top sliced off it when someone was
making a stew. Although living carrots contain goodness that helps you see in
the dark – being dead the ghostly carrots don’t contain any Vitamin A and so
human ghosts who try and eat them can’t see any better in the darkness.
This
is why ghosts keep walking through things – it’s not to scare people, it’s
simply because they don’t know where they’re going before they walk straight
through something. It’s actually slightly uncomfortable for a ghost to walk
through things, the nearest they get to feeling anything.
Werefridge.
This is an unusual spook. Seemingly like so many
other fridges, it changes in its nature on Hallowe’en. As people innocently
open the fridge and stick their head in it, its rubber seal takes on the form
of teeth and bites them! It then draws the person into its cold-hearted cold
interior and slowly digests its victim. A reasonable sized fridge-user can keep
it satisfied for nearly a year – until the next Hallowe’en. Mysteriously it can
end up in anyone’s kitchen. Let’s hope that it hasn’t mysteriously ended up in your
kitchen.
One
way to be safe from a Werefridge is to only stick your hand in the fridge during
Hallowe’en. You may have a chance of escape as the fridge’s teeth lock around
your wrist. You may not have a hand anymore but at least you’ll be alive (and
the Werefridge will have had a snack).
The “Which Witch”?
This witch is the witch
in the coven which decides which witches to use when a witch is needed to make
a particular spell. You will often hear them muttering to themselves, as they
wander from hovel to hovel, “Which witch shall I use? Was it the witch, which I
first thought of? But would she be the witch which is the best – if not which
witch would be the witch which is best?”
The
“Which Witch” is the witch, which normally ends up needing counselling, which
witches aren’t normally keen on.
Dracula’s Mate He Met Down The Pub.
Not quite as terrifying as
Dracula or Dracula’s Bride, Dracula’s Mate He Met Down The Pub is a bloke who
happened to sit near the dark corner where Dracula was in a pub in Whitby
drinking a glass of tomato juice (a drink he loathes but which happens to be
his favourite colour.)
Dracula’s
Mate He Met Down The Pub was the kind of sociable person who couldn’t resist
talking to anybody, even someone lurking in the shadows. Since Dracula didn’t
tell him to shut up, Dracula’s Mate carried on talking to him. Later that
night, as he felt a strange sensation in his neck, he regretted talking to
Dracula. Dracula was not the kind of person to pick on as a friend.
It turned out that Dracula liked Guinness once it
had been through someone else’s system.
Dr Frank N Stein
This was a doctor who appeared to have incredible
results when it came to curing patients in hospital. It was actually because he
enjoyed telling them his awful poems based on body parts and surgery. This
included his ‘Sonnet to Spleen surgery’, an ‘Ode to Oesophagus Operations’, a ‘Hip
replacement’ haiku and his dreadful ‘Liver damage’ limerick.
His
patients didn’t necessarily truly get better, they just got well enough to
escape the hospital as soon as possible. “It seems as though I’ve brought them
back to life,” Dr Stein would declare.
Frank ‘n’ Stan
Frank and Stan were a comedy duo who enjoyed
reviving the comedy acts of other famous comic performers. However, they tried
to modify their well-known sketches, thinking they were injecting new life into
them. Unfortunately, their ‘Dead Emu’ sketch just didn’t work. Neither did ‘Five
candles’ or ‘Two-legged Tarzan’. Even Frank’s solo ‘Olive bread’ monologue was
terrifyingly awful. Disappointed they retired from performing and set up in
business making patchwork dolls.
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