From The Children's Writers' Songbook - Charlie Butler

[With apologies to Elton John and the Bee Gees]

YA Seems to Be the Hardest Word

What I have got to do to stay in fashion?

To keep up with the looks, the trends, the tracks?

One day leopard prints are Gok Wan’s passion,

The next they’re in the sale at T.K.Maxx.

How am I going to get some street smarts,

And write just like the kids speak in the ‘hood?

I’m more at home with hopscotch, hoops and go-carts:

What’s cool these days? I wish I understood.

It’s sad, so sad: it’s a sad, sad generation -

With jocks and dorks and geeks and chavs and nerds.

It’s sad, so sad – why can’t they talk plain English?

It always seems to me,

That YA seems to be the hardest word.

How'm I going to write that casual sex scene,

Or the one where they take drugs or sniff some glue,

When the Bible Belt thinks holding hands is obscene,

And you shouldn’t drink until you’re twenty-two?

What does it take to write a YA classic –

A novel that will last from year to year –

When every word’s immediately Jurassic,

And this week's trash was last week's hot idea?

It’s sad, so sad: it’s a sad, sad generation -

With jocks and dorks and geeks and chavs and nerds.

It’s sad, so sad – why can’t they just talk English?

It always seems to me,

That YA seems to be the hardest word.

Trilogy!

Trilogy!

When your book's too long

But you're still going strong

It's trilogy!

When your deadline's tight

With no end in sight

It's hard to bear:

Just split it in three parts and no one will care.

Trilogy!

When you're almost through

With volume two

That's trilogy!

When there's one big scrap

Right across the map

It's hard to see

How you're going to end it - leave that till part three.

Trilogy!

Going round the bend

Tying up loose ends

That's trilogy!

If in any doubt

You can just sign out

With three sure-fire things:

Someone dies or gets hitched or turns out to be king...

Trilogy! That's trilogy! ... [to fade]

How Deep is My Book?

You’ve been my agent now for six long years,

You’ve sold my rights from Norway down to Spain,

And the moment you’re back from Bologna

I wanna hear you on the phone again.

You say I’m a cert for the next big prize –

Then it all goes quiet

And I dry my eyes,

And it's me you need to show,

How deep is my book?

How deep is my book?

How deep is my book?

I really need to learn,

'Cause we’re living in a world of Faulks,

Putting us down

When they all should let us be.

There's nothing easy ‘bout the ABC.

I believe in you:

You’ve ten percent of my very soul.

When people ask if I’ll “Write a real book one day”

I just remember your first breathless call.

You may not think I care that much,

But you know deep inside

That I need a crutch.

And it’s me you need to show –

How deep is my book?

How deep is my book?

How deep is my book?

I really need to learn,

'Cause we’re living in a world of Faulks,

Putting us down

When they all should let us be.

There's nothing easy ‘bout the ABC.

La la la laa la la laa la la

La la la laa la la laa la la

Laa laa la la la la laa laa laa la

La la la la la la la laa la la

You tell me to expect some great reviews,

Then it all goes quiet

And I hit the booze.

And it's me you need to show

How deep is my book?

How deep is my book?

How deep is my book?

I really need to learn,

'Cause we’re living in a world of Faulks,

Putting us down

When they all should let us be.

There's nothing easy ‘bout the ABC.