Thursday 2 May 2024

Don't panic it's your blog day!!! Too late! I panicked! By Steve Way

I'm sure you've had similar experiences... You're getting through the day fairly calmly, in my case I was having a chat with a student online, when your mind wanders for a moment and you think... I ought to get on with writing that blog I was thinking about... it'll be my day soon...
Clang! The penny drops! It's nearly the end of your day! Now I have to think about what I'm going to do, knowing I don't have time to write the blog I was intending and concentrate on the lesson because I can't do anything about it just yet!
The solution. I'm sharing some silly deliberately short versions of well-known children's stories and poems, which I've used in the past to get children (and adults!) to write their own versions. I hope you enjoy them - and maybe also write your own versions!
Next month let's hope I can remember what day it is!


 There were once three pigs and a wolf. As it happens the wolf was useless at huffing and puffing. What was worse was that the three pigs had no idea about building houses. Soon there was just one wolf, with blood dribbling out the side of his mouth…




“All the King’s horses and all the King’s men, couldn’t put Humpty together again…”

        “We dunno where to start, Sir,” the Sergeant told the Commanding Officer.

        “Alright, don’t bother. Leave him where he is. Serves a bally egg right for sitting on a wall in the first place,” replied the Commanding Officer. “Oh and Sergeant, don’t go talking to the horses again… bad for the men’s morale, don’t you know…”




“Little Bo Peep, she lost her sheep…” So she was sacked.




“Share a bite of my apple, pretty maiden,” said the evil queen, disguised as an old lady.

        “But I don’t like apples,” replied Snow White. “Have you got any bananas?…


Contrary to popular belief, the evil queen knocked Snow White out with the fruit basket.



“Rapunzel, Rapunzel, throw down your hare…”

        So the fair maiden Rapunzel threw down her hare.

        The prince put it on the floor and it hopped off into the forest.

        “At least my poor pet is now free,” Rapunzel thought to herself. “If only I hadn’t had a haircut yesterday. I might be free as well then.”


        A little while later the hungry prince made himself a stew. “If I can’t get her, I might as well have her hare,” he thought to himself.



Little did the evil witch know that Sleeping Beauty suffered from insomnia.



It wasn’t the pea that disturbed the princess. All night long she lay awake, thinking, “Why are there so many mattresses on my bed?”

        She wondered if she’d been put in the mattress storeroom and not a proper bedroom.



As the person she thought was her grannie turned out not to be her grannie, Little Red Riding Hood wished she hadn’t been too vain to wear her glasses.



The bridge the three Billy Goats Gruff would have to cross was right at the other end of the field.

        “I can’t be bothered walking up there,” said the Little Goat.

        “Neither can I,” said the Middle Goat. “Why don’t we wade across the river here?”

        So they did. While this was going on the hungry troll was watching them. He remembered now the wise words his Estate Agent had told him.

        “Before buying a home you’ve got to think “location, location, location”…”

        At least I ate the Estate Agent thought the troll.


Moral. Even trolls can have their uses.




One day Postman Pat had more than four letters to deliver!

        “I can’t take this stress,” he told the black cat.




“Flubber, flubber, wub…” said Bill.

        “Wubba, wubba flub…” said Ben.

        Weed smiled to herself. It was lovely living with the only two men she knew who ever said anything remotely sensible.




“Mary, Mary, quite contrary, How does your garden grow?…”

        “I watch that nice man Alan Titchmarsh on the telly.”




No magic on Earth could stop the school inspectors finding Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

        “You can forget Herbology and Transfiguration from now on,” the inspector told Dumbledore. “From now on we want to see the Literacy Hour and the Numeracy Hour instituted in this school.”

        “These people are more powerful and awful than Voldemort,” thought Dumbledore.




“For goodness sake,” thought C. S. Lewis. “If those children play any more roughly, they’ll end up going through the back of that wardrobe.”



The Emperor was suspicious of the two salesmen right from the start.

        “I don’t trust the likes of them,” he thought. “They’ll have my shirt off my back in five minutes if I let them.”



Winnie the Pooh got a First Class degree in Astrophysics.

        “Now who’s the bear of very little brain?” he asked Christopher Robin.




“Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?” whispered Juliet to the moon from the privacy of her balcony.


Meanwhile Romeo was hanging upside down in the prickly hedge surrounding the Capulet's garden, with his tights and waistcoat tangled in the branches.




Cinderella went to the ball… She hit it right into the top right hand corner of the net!!! The Brazilian keeper didn’t know what hadn’t hit him. The England Fairy Tale Team were 1-0 ahead!

        “We’ll win this quarter final, thought Cinders.




The three blind mice went to the opticians.

        “So, we weren’t blind, just in need of glasses,” said one of the mice.

        “If we’d have carried on without them for much longer, that horrible farmer’s wife could have done something nasty to us,” said one of the others.




It was so lucky that the three bears were security conscious. If they hadn’t locked up the house before they left it, that nuisance Goldilocks would have walked right into their house and messed everything up.




Bambi hopped and skipped playfully through the tranquil sunny forest… straight into a bear.




Mowgli observed the goings on in the village through the canopy of trees. The villagers were labouring away, trying to scratch a living out of the land. The men digging in the unforgiving stony soil, the women bashing the unrelenting grain into flour and the children playing in the dirt.

        “Are you sure you want to go back there?” Baloo asked.

        “Forget it,” said Mowgli. “Let’s go and find a paw-paw.”




Cruella De Ville discovered that she was allergic to dogs.

        “How could fate be so cruel,” the evil woman thought. “I’m audacious but allergic to crime!”




Lah Lah quit.


The others didn’t know what to say.


Mainly because they couldn’t say anything.




“But if we take from the rich and give to the poor, the poor will become rich,” pointed out Will Scarlet.

        “Well in that case, why don’t we keep the money ourselves?” suggested Little John.

        “But then we’ll be rich,” said Friar Tuck.

        “Forget it then,” said Robin Hood.


“So much for a life of romantic adventure,” thought Maid Marion. “I should have married the accountant after all.”

1 comment:

Lynne Benton said...

These versions of famous stories are brilliant, Steve! Sorry I was so late getting round to reading them.