Ways Back to Writing - Lucy Coats

It's been a long time since I've written anything at all apart from lists and ABBA posts -- and not character lists either; shopping lists, lists of furniture, mundane everyday lists. I have written here before about my battle with depression. This last bout of it has been very bad indeed, including terrible panic attacks (sometimes several a day). I don't say this to garner sympathy, but I hope that by being open and honest about this, I may help someone else who is struggling. That is my aim in writing this piece.

I always visualise my creativity as a deep well from which I draw. This last year, the well has been dry, with only cracked mud at the bottom. It has, frankly, been terrifying. Under normal circumstances, even in the bad times, I have ideas floating through my head all the time, tiny snippets of potential storylines, dreams that turn into book plots. This time, nothing.

I have so many strategies I use to get myself going creatively, and I teach them to my writing students. Normally they work. I tried all of them. None of them worked this time. Inside my head was an arid desert, devoid of anything. So in my saner and more reflective moments, I gave myself permission not to write, but to concentrate on getting well again, and work at that instead. Several months down the line, the well of creativity is beginning, very cautiously and slowly, to fill again, and I'm starting to find the way back.

'Bees' (c) Lucy Coats

In fact, I didn't start with writing itself, but with drawing and painting, beginning with a pattern of bees for a shamanic drum. The repetition of drawing the same thing over and over was very soothing -- each bee was the same, and yet I soon found that each of them was slightly different in the way they related to each other. Then I started spinning with a distaff and drop spindle, creation and meditation in one. I'm not very good at it yet, but the act of making one thing into another with my hands -- wool to yarn in this case -- was and is something I find very satisfying.

One thing I missed greatly in the arid time was my dreams. I am a prolific dreamer, and have had many good writing ideas from them in the past. But my depression nights were either black and empty or full of insomnia and anxious thoughts. Again, I chose to let them go, trusting that they would reappear in time. Eventually, a couple of weeks ago, they did. What's more, quite soon I had one of those middle of the night post-dream wakings which necessitate lots of incoherent scribbling down of an Important Idea at 3am. In the light of day, it turned out to be a good idea, though something entirely different from anything I've done before, not for children, and not fiction. I'm loving the initial research for this, and because it is so different, there is no pressure.

This morning, though, brought the real delight. I woke early, with the germ of a story in my head. A proper, bona-fide children's story. I'm taking time away from it to write this post, so forgive the brevity, as I'm longing to get back to it!

Having been through this depression cycle so many times, the most important thing I have learned from this round is to give myself both a literal and mental break from writing, to ask for help, and not to feel guilty about any of it it. Mental illness may not be something that can be seen, like a broken leg or arm, but it is just as real and just as painful, and just as slow, if not more so, to recover from. I have never been more thankful not to be under a deadline this year, for the first time in forever. If you are struggling right now, do be kind to yourself. And don't try and deal with it on your own. As writers in what is quite a lonely profession, we tend to beat ourselves up a lot, and to continually question the validity of what we do. Coupled with depression and anxiety, it is a toxic mix. There are people around you -- friends, family, therapists -- who can help. I know the inside voice all too well which says things like 'nobody will care'; 'why should anybody be interested?'; 'don't be a bother/bother anyone.' Trust me, they will care, they are interested, and you're not a bother.

OUT NOW: Cleo 2: Chosen and Cleo (UKYA historical fantasy about the teenage Cleopatra VII) '[a] sparkling thriller packed with historical intrigue, humour, loyalty and poison.' Amanda Craig, New Statesman

Also out:  Beasts of Olympus series "rippingly funny" Publishers Weekly US starred review 

Lucy's Website - Twitter - Facebook - Instagram

Lucy is represented by Sophie Hicks at The Sophie Hicks Agency