I've written several times on these pages about mental health and wellbeing. I think that it is important to talk openly and honestly about the struggle that many writers, including me, have with depression, anxiety, panic attacks and associated conditions, although I am aware that not everyone is able or wants to do this. Despite the enormous strides which have been made in widening public conversations and awareness about mental health in general, it is still a sad fact that, as an 'invisible illness', there are those who still dismiss it as a self-indulgence, or think we should just 'pull ourselves together'. I wish it was that easy.
For personal reasons, which I will not go into, this summer has been full of the (rotten) lemons which title this piece, hurled at me one after another. I do not wish to make lemonade (the normal advice for when life hands you them). For one thing it would taste bitter and vile for lack of sugar and sweetness, and for another, nobody would wish to drink it. These particular rotten lemons have been toxic to both mind, body and creativity. Not only do I feel physically poisoned, (not least because my physical body has reacted very badly to the combined stress of anxiety, depression and panic attacks, enhanced by what my doctor tells me is an excess production of cortisol), but my creativity levels have gone through the floor.I am not a doctor. I do not usually talk about science. But cortisol is an interesting little stress hormone when allied to a writer's brain. In short, high levels of cortisol mess with memory and learning skills (among other things), and are also a trigger for all kinds of mental illness including depression. The basic science tells us that cortisol is part of the fight or flight mechanism of the human body, and is released by our adrenal glands as a response to fear or stress. Normally, once the fear or stress event is over, and there has been a physical release from either fight or flight, the body returns to normal. The problems arise when there is no such physical release, and when the stress levels continue day on day, at which point the cortisol levels build up in the blood, and turn into a 'saboteur within' of both the mind and body.
This is, quite literally, how my creative brain is feeling at the moment. Sabotaged. If there is such a thing as a 'well of creativity', mine has been blown up and is in pieces, with the water of ideas all leaking out. So how the hell am I going to mend it? There are many tried-and-tested solutions for alleviating high cortisol levels -- exercise, mindfulness techniques and so on. I do all those, and they help. But they help only to the point of keeping me functional, and able to navigate day to day life without too many disasters. There just doesn't seem to be anything much left over to boost my creativity levels.
Caroline Brothers wrote an interesting article for Autumn 2018 edition of The Author magazine, in which she quotes Paul Silvia, a professor of psychology at the University of North Carolina. Silvia says that: 'Creativity isn't a part of the brain, but something incredibly complex that the brain can do.' That strikes me as very true, and it gives me a little hope. That complexity is something my writing brain can't quite manage right now. But if I carry on with those tried-and-tested solutions I mentioned above, eventually it will. I've written this piece, after all, and even if it's not a creative piece in the true sense, at least it is words strung together that (I hope) make some kind of sense. Maybe the next will be a poem, or a piece of flash fiction. One thing is certain. I won't let the damned rotten lemons win.
OUT NOW: Cleo 2: Chosen and Cleo (UKYA historical fantasy about the teenage Cleopatra VII) '[a] sparkling thriller packed with historical intrigue, humour, loyalty and poison.' Amanda Craig, New Statesman
Also out: Beasts of Olympus series "rippingly funny" Publishers Weekly US starred review
6 comments:
As Desmond Morris pointed out decades ago, we live in a Human Zoo. All of us are stressed, all the time, because we're caged in over-crowded pens doing mostly pointless work. Add more stress on top of that and it's hard to bear.
Wishing you well in beating the lemons.
The writing of a blog post, as I have every reason to know, can be a real achievement when you are feeling low and exhausted. I hope that getting this one out with its brave message will be both of comfort to those of us feeling stress, depression or anxiety (all of us at some point or another, though to different degrees)and also give you that oh-so-welcome little boost of accomplishment that I know I feel when I complete something, however small. One step at a time and much love.
A great blog, Lucy. Your brain can still do everything it could before, it knows how to make the necessary connections for fiction and that doesn't go. Look after yourself and don't put yourself under too much pressure to do everything right now. We all live with this nagging sense that we should be writing all the time and sometimes it isn't possible and sometimes it may even be counterproductive to try. When you backbrain is ready it will inundate you with brilliant ideas. I've been thinking of you a lot since our conversation at Drake and Morgan and send several buckets of positive thoughts.
This was a beautifully written blog post so whatever that cortisol is saying to you, you can still definitely write beautifully. I am really sorry about all the stress you have been under, and I think everyone else's advice is very good - try not to put yourself under too much pressure to write and let your 'back brain' (what a great way of putting it) quietly get on with things whilst you try to have a gentle time and some rest.
Thank you for speaking up and out about this. I like the "back brain" idea.
A beautifully written, heartfelt post - thank you.
The thing about cortisol is that is a steroid and it takes time to get those things out of your system. Steroids can cause things such as hair loss, weight gain, and irrational outbursts - none of which are helpful to self esteem. It's hard going when your mind and body gang up against you but, sometimes, recognising where the symptoms come from can help us manage them better.
Keep on with all the good things you are doing for yourself and you'll get where you need to be.
I am in a similar creative desert at the moment and am combatting it with 'morning pages' - a chance to vent, explore my feelings and celebrate any small achievements in private and keeping the hand-brain link active. Not even pretending to be creative but, if an idea drifts in between the dross, I consider it a bonus.
Stay strong.
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