Five characters I'd like to meet: Sue Purkiss

Now, I suppose I should take this opportunity to meet some characters who would be able to solve one of life's eternal mysteries - like where all the odd socks go, or why cars/computers/washing machines never make that funny noise when someone useful is listening.

But I'm not going to do that, except possibly in the case of my last choice. No, in a spirit of human kindness, I'm first going to meet three characters who need a bit of friendly advice. Then I'm going to have fun. So here they are, in all their glory.

Romeo Romeo is so impulsive. He does the first thing that comes into his head, every time - and just look at the results! What you must do, Romeo, I shall say kindly, is just to take a little time to think. Verify the facts. Put yourself in the other person's place. Talk to people. Just make sure people are really dead before you go making histrionic speeches and taking poison that you really shouldn't have had in the first place.

Then I'm sure you'll find that life will go much more smoothly. There'll certainly be a lot less drama.

Tess of the D'Urbervilles Oh, Tess, Tess. You have so much going for you. You're very beautiful, er... you really are very, very beautiful... well, that's enough to be going on with. Now, the initial problem with Alec. Well, fair enough, probably not a lot you could have done about that. But Angel - really, did you have to let that sanctimonious twerp walk all over you? And, you see, if you stand up to him, then you won't be so desperate that you'll have to let Alec back in again. There must be some nice reliable shepherd or forester knocking about in the wilds of Wessex. Or maybe you could start up a small business. Whatever - just stay away from men whose names begin with 'A'.

Dorothea Brooke Actually, what I'd really like to do is talk to Tess and Dorothea (from Middlemarch) at the same time. I'm sure they'd be very good for each other. Of course, Dorothea is scarily clever, but where men are concerned, she's just as silly as Tess. I mean, marrying Casaubon - listen to me, Dorothea (may I call you Dot?), just DON'T DO IT! For goodness' sake, isn't it obvious? You have far more in common with Lydgate. Together, you can do lots of lovely good, and then he won't ruin poor old Rosamond's life either. Leave her to Will - they'll be good for each other.

Fangorn I don't want to give Fangorn relationship advice - I'm afraid there's not much I can do for him, except hope he finds his Entwife one day. No - I just want to see what he looks like. I loved the Lord of the Rings films, but I didn't quite feel convinced by the Ents, and I think they're lovely, so I'd like to see what they really look like. And if Aragorn or Legolas happens to be passing, so much the better.

Grannie Weatherwax I think Grannie Weatherwax may actually be dead, but I don't think this should be much of a problem in the Discworld. If it is, any other character will do. Lord Vetinari, perhaps? Might as well go to the top. Because I have to admit, interesting as any of the characters would be, what I'm really after is a free pass to the Discworld. So much to see, so much to do! When I come back, I'll write an article: 24 hours in Ankh-Morpokh or some such. I'm sure that would be far more interesting than yet another celeb interview.

So there we have it - and now I'm off to spend three days in the wilds of Oxfordshire with a bunch of Scattered Authors (who, obviously, won't be scattered at that point). Lovely!