The Joy of Insults - Joan Lennon

I'm a nice person. Nice, nice, nice. On the outside, anyway. Chances are, you are too. Which means we are well and truly cut off from the joy of insults. (Giving, of course, as opposed to receiving.) Think about it ... When was the last time you really enjoyed insulting someone - really savoured the syllables, letting them roll about your tongue, or flow down your arms to the quill clutched in your inkstained fingers? I wager it's been a while. I wager it's been too long, you frothy, beef-witted ratsbane ...

I'm here today to help. From the kit below, start with the word "You" (or "Thou" if you prefer) then choose one epithet from each column and put them together in the way that gives you the most satisfaction. Because we're nice, we don't have to tell who the insult is for - but WE'LL know. Oh yes.

Artless	Base-court	Apple-john
Bawdy	Beef-witted	Barnacle
Beslubbering	Beetle-headed	Bladder
Churlish	Boil-Brained	Boar-Pig
Cockered	Clapper-Clawed	Bugbear
Clouted	Clay-Brained	Bum-Bailey
Craven	Common-Kissing	Canker-Blossom
Currish	Crook-Pated	Clack-Dish
Dankish	Dismal-Dreaming	Clotpole
Dissembling	Dizzy-Eyed	Coxcomb
Droning	Doghearted	Codpiece
Errant	Dread-Bolted	Death-Token
Fawning	Earth-Vexing	Dewberry
Fobbing	Elf-Skinned	Flap-Dragon
Froward	Fat-Kidneyed	Flax-Wench
Frothy	Fun-Sucked	Flirt-Gill
Gleeking	Flap-Mouthed	Foot-Licker
Goatish	Fly-Bitten	Fustilarian
Gorbellied	Folly-Fallen	Giglet
Impertinent	Fool-Born	Gudgeon
Infectious	Full-Gorged	Haggard
Jarring	Guts-Griping	Harpy
Loggerheaded	Half-Faced	Hedge-Pig
Lumpish	Hasty-Witted	Horn-Beast
Mammering	Hedge-Born	Hugger-Mugger
Mangled	Hell-Hated	Joithead
Mewling	Idle-Headed	Lewdster
Paunchy	Ill-Breeding	Lout
Pribbling	Ill-Nurtured	Maggot-Pie
Puking	Knotty-Pated	Malt-Worm
Puny	Milk-Livered	Mammet
Qualling	Motley-Minded	Measle
Rank	Onion-Eyed	Minnow
Reeky	Plume-Plucked	Miscreant
Roguish	Pottle-Deep	Moldwarp
Ruttish	Pox-Marked	Mumble-News
Saucy	Reeling-Ripe	Nut-Hook
Spleeny	Rough-Hewn	Pigeon-Egg
Spongy	Rude-Growing	Pignut
Surly	Rump-Fed	Puttock
Tottering	Shard-Bone	Pumpion
Unmuzzled	Sheep-Biting	Ratsbane
Vain	Spur-Galled	Scut
Venomed	Swag-Bellied	Skainsmate
Villainous	Tardy-Gaited	Strumpet
Warped	Tickle-Brained	Varlot
Wayward	Toad-Spotted	Vassal
Weedy	Unchin-Snouted	Whey-Face
Yeasty	Weather-Bitten	Wagtail

I don't know who first compiled this wonderful list - I copied it from www.londonshakespeare.org.uk, but it's available on all sorts of websites. All sorts of people have recognised the nice person's need and made an effort to supply it. So have a go. You have my permission. Concoct a ripe and rip-roaring insult to ease the cockles of your gleeking heart and add it to the Comments below.

You know you want to!

Joan Lennon's website.
Joan Lennon's blog.